hanukkitty

Happy Almost Halloween

Survival of the Most Creative: Musings from the 57 Bus

by Julie, guest blogger

Ask any public transportation commuter, and you will find that every route has its fair share of characters. Maybe to some it's just an everyday occurrence, simply what you get for taking the bus or train. But to me, getting to know this cast of characters is a matter of survival on a city bus. If I had to take the 57 (read: 7+ miles of stop-and-go traffic through three of Boston's most obnoxious neighborhoods) without having the players, I'd probably throw myself under the bus' giant tires.

So, without further ado, here it is, the ever-expanding cast list:

• Nose-picking guy: While a surprising number of bus patrons think they're invisible and can go at their noses without being seen, this guy is a regular offender. He sat next to me once, and I body slammed the bus wall trying to stay away from his contact.
• The entire student body from a local English language-learning school: When they all talk at once, I'm scared. I feel like I'm in one of those Spanish game shows and some guy in a chicken suit is going to start throwing watermelons at me, or something equally weird and painful.
• Paranoid hippy: He needs no explanation. Too much LSD.
• Grandma death: I feel mean, but this woman really personifies death. In addition to her hollow eye sockets (I'm serious), she wears plaid fleece pants and has shoes with no soles. It's kind of sad. Actually, I haven't seen her on the bus for awhile...
• Talking/lonely dude: We've ALL seen this guy before. Avoid eye contact at all costs or else he will engage you in meaningless conversation about nonsense. No one is safe.
• Bus stop begger: This woman is relentless about asking drivers to create new stops for her. I once heard her offer a driver "a million dollars to stop right now." Next she'll offer to be his best friend!
• The baby that screams, and his deaf nanny: I've never heard a child burst out into such random, unpredictable, incredibly loud screeches. It's a wonder the driver doesn't swerve off the road. And Satan's nanny? Doesn't even flinch.
  
• Old pop music girl: This girl consistently blasts crappy old pop music. When the bus gets quiet, we can all hear you listening to Chumbawumba. Ouch.
• (Old pop music girl's soulmate) Extremely loud rap music boy: No matter how high you turn that puppy up, we're still in Allston, not Harlem.
• Julie Benz: Yes, the actress who played Dexter's wife is in fact on my bus every morning.
• Fat Jim Halpert: This guy looks like The Office fave leveraged a lot of food.
• And many more, less interesting people.
  

So boys and girls, here's your lesson: the more you look at public transportation patrons and judge them, create stories for them, and silently compare to them celebrities, the happier more tolerable your ride will be.

Should I post this to Monster.com?

OBJECTIVE:

Seeking a position in which I am underpaid and overqualified, preferably in the death field. Growing up, who didn't want to be a mortician? Also, marrying rich and becoming a trophy wife (not to be confused with “housewife,” “homemaker” or “mother”) would be awesome too!

EDUCATION:

Doctorate (that means PhD) of Judgment from Judgment University '08

Majors: the Wave, Pangaea (you know, that whole “supercontinent” theory thing)

Minors: Slow clapping, Being bitter, Sarcasm, Lazy rivers

EXPERIENCE:

Company: the Universe BC - Present

Title: God

• Creating people
• Being God, obviously
• This is pretty self explanatory, I don't know why I have to explain this to you

Company: Mattel 1965 - 1999

Title :Barbie Doll

• Doctor
• Lawyer
• Veterinarian
• Babysitter
• Sister
• Princess
• Malibu Bikini
• Bride
• Roller Skating Waitress
• Mom
• Best Friend
• Shining Role Model

Company: My Head 1988 - Present

Title: Freelance Fashion Consultant

• Silently talked to myself about the horrific outfits people chose to wear
• Thought about ways in which their outfits might be made less ugly
• Never once felt remorse or regret for said judging
• Contemplated giving some lessons on colors that should not be worn together (I.e. red & green; black, grey, brown & navy blue)
• Worked with many high profile clients and celebrities (such as Courtney Love, Donald Trump, the entire cast of Deadliest Catch)
• Did some pro bono work too

SKILLS:

• Really amazing at practically everything you could possibly imagine
• Special certification in being really good at being modest
• Awesome at observing and noting ticks, phrases and gestures that individuals over-use
• Super passive aggressive and therefore really good at leaving anonymous notes
• Recently learned how to shave the back half of my legs
• Un-jamming staplers with little-to-no blood or injuries most of the time
• Working knowledge of over-reacting and over-analyzing

INTERESTS:

• Felines
• Chamber Music
• Diamonds
• Bruises
• Buying expensive things
• Mullets, mustaches, beards and side burns (but not fu manchus)
• Prime numbers

Evidence that Oswald likes other boy cats

Smoldering come hither eyes.

In the closet

Clearly posing!

Legs crossed. COME ON!

Awesome pictures from the KEANE show 8/3

President's day is coming up.

My fave is Bill Clinton.

Here's me front row when he came to Bryant to campaign for his wifey.