Thank You Card to Rain & Humidity

Dear Humidity and Rain,

Thanks for coming to my party. I always love seeing you, feeling you around me and spending time with you, so I'm really glad you came.

Also, I wanted to thank you for the presents. The frizzy hair and dirt splashes on the back of my legs were exactly what I wanted. How did you know? It's almost as if you read my mind!

I really appreciate that you stuck around and didn't leave for a week and kept the sun away.

Thanks for bringing cold air with you! I totally would have invited him and thanked him if I had his address, so please thank him for coming for me next time you see him.


Thanks again!

Love always,
Bonnie

Things that should be allowed and appropriate in the office

1. Spiking [insert office object/supply of choice] and then doing the Heisman around your desk and or area when you've figured something out, finished a project or accomplished something
2. Elbow-dropping your boss when you disagree with him/her
   
3. Haymakers
   
4. Starting the slow clap when people who are always late arrive to work
5. Setting up booby traps for people who feel the need to speed walk around the office all day to look important
   
6. Making jokes that aren't "p.c." or are "offensive towards specific groups"
   
7. Sexual harassment
   
8. Randomly blurting out "Woo!"
9. Distributing high fives and friend points
10. Voting people off the island (out of the office and their job) based on majority votes (votes can be based on likeability, personal reasons, skill, how good people are at their jobs, attractiveness, how they dress)
11. Taking naps
12. Slapping

...more to come

Thoughts for today...

Lazy Sunday.  I feel that my thoughts for today would best be expressed in the form of a collage. 

I've decided what I want to call my book...

of short stories and vignettes that I'm probably never going to write....

"Blatant Lies, Facts & Embellishments: Short Stories & Things I Made Up To Entertain Myself & Others" (Non-Fiction)

On being single... and positive (but not the HIV kind)

I'm channeling my inner Carrie Bradshaw: Why is it that the more single and more desperate you are, the more other couples flourish and appear, making it impossible for you to not be alone?

Whenever I'm single it always seems to be that no one else is.  Whenever I'm my most needy is when all of my friends are happily in serious relationships and don't have time to help me find one of my own.  It's hard to not be single when you don't know any singles.  It always happens that way.  And then all you can see is relationship happiness around you, and couples everywhere, even if you're just trying to enjoy something on your own.

Take today for example.  I woke up after a lovely night of planned self pity and wallowing (that almost didn't happen due to lack of tear-jerking material on Lifetime and HBO On Demand), fully intending to continue that self-loathing through the beautiful sunny day in sweatpants in my dark room, watching re-runs of shows I've already seen more than once - torture and punishment for whatever is wrong with me or whatever I did to make him not call me.  

My amazing morning wallow was ruined by one of my cats (yeah, I know, how cliche, single girl with cats) who decided she wanted to sit on the window sill.  The beam from the opening curtains hit me perfectly in the eyeballs in the way that forced an involuntary raise of my cheekbones to aid in a squint that could be mistaken for a smile.  All of that accidental movement made me realize that I should probably stop punishing my cats and feed them, and that maybe a shower would do me some good.  

I followed the cats down the stairs into the kitchen and couldn't help but get excited about the sunshine that was everywhere.  The weather had been so miserable the past few days - so much rain, fog and yuck, that I'd forgotten how uplifting sunshine is, and what it was.  So I fed my cats and soaked up the sun, sticking to my diet of water and coffee that I had invented in my previous night's wallow, thinking about how to best continue my wallow, whilst also getting some sunlight (because tanned skin makes you look 10 pounds skinnier).  

My first idea was shopping outside somewhere - perhaps the outlets, perhaps Newbury St. or Harvard Square. (Nothing is more masochistic and self-loathing than shopping when you're $10,000+ in credit card debt. You buy things you shouldn't buy, that you can't afford knowing how mad you're going to make yourself later. Or even better, your credit card gets declined.) I scratched that because I pretty much do that every day anyways, and I really am trying to get out of debt - and I need to save the room left on my credit card for essential things like gasoline for my car, parking money for work and water and coffee for nourishment.  I also thought about just walking around those areas, but knowing me, I'd have to spend money on something.

I looked through my text messages, brainstorming who I could invite to a free pity party, and realized that I was out of luck.  Everyone I'd want to share my current bitter mood with (who might sort of appreciate it) was busy or out of town.  But while I was looking through my phone's inbox, I saw a message from my friend that reminded me of a conversation we'd had the night before.  We were talking about optimism and positivity and how you get things that  you never doubt.  Both being extremely bitter pessimists with low expectations, we had discussed how this would be really hard for both of us, but it'd be worth a shot in terms of our love lives, because, let's face it, we've tried EVERYTHING else. 

Trying to learn from that talk, and entertain myself, I decided I was going to take myself out on a date.  I deserved it after all.  I would shower, dress up nice and drive myself (through Cape traffic - I have to keep a little bit of my masochism) to the beach and enjoy the weather, possibly take some nice photographs.  It didn't take me a long time to get ready, and I looked cute because there was to be no doubt in my mind that I would run into the man of my dreams at the beach on this nice Saturday afternoon.  

I enjoyed my drive there, as I always do.  The only thing better than screaming to awesome music by yourself in your car (and serenading strangers in traffic) when it's sunny and warm out, is screaming to awesome music with someone else in a car (and serenading strangers in traffic).  I definitely won the traffic karaoke contest with my rendition of "Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover" by Sophie B. Hawkins.  It was a beautiful drive.

Things were looking up and I was definitely in a better mood - minus the few close calls.  I almost cried twice due to the songs shuffle selected for me to listen to.  Lame, I know.  Let me explain: "I Will Come To You" by Hanson and "I'm Still By/On (?) Your Side" by BBMAK.  But really, it was a good ride and my spirits were lifted.  

By the time I arrived to the beach I could actually breathe, which I hadn't been able to do in a few days.  Maybe it was the fresh ocean air, maybe it was all the karaoke on the way there, maybe it was that I found a free parking spot and at least a few things were working out for me.  I got out of my car and went to the beach.  I clearly didn't plan or have a towel or a bathing suit because it was around 2 or 3 in the afternoon, but I hadn't been to the ocean in almost a year and I needed it. 

The beach was surprisingly crowded.  It's not summer vacation for schools yet and it's colder at the beach, maybe 70 at the highest - it was actually pretty chilly.  Who goes to the beach on days like that? (Besides me?) I'll tell you. COUPLES. Couples go to the beach. Couples cover every inch of good tide-coming-in sand.  I tried not to let it get to me and I tried to maintain a positive outlook while trying to find a spot to sit.  I really did.  I even tried smiling at some of the couples. I did.  (In the way that you smile at old people or really fat people or really ugly people.  I think I did it so that they wouldn't do it to me first.  I didn't want the single pity smile from all the couples.)

I found myself a spot on a rock and I sat and I started taking pictures of the ocean and skyline and boats and jetty, careful not to include any frolicking or canoodling couples in my masterpieces.  I tried to meditate a little and center myself, so I closed my eyes and did some yoga breathing.  I opened my eyes to find a hot couple, in their late 20s with two adorable children, one boy and one girl, both under 4, starting to set up their day camp on the rocks next to me.  I couldn't help but smile at the adorable little wobbling boy in his too-big Red Sox hat.  His hot mom and dad both pity smiled me and started a pity conversation with me.  I immediately made up a story about how I had to go meet by boyfriend so that I could escape.  

I decided I would walk around the cute beach town and see if there were any good things for me to snap pictures of.  There weren't.  Only cute, hand-holding couples.  I started to get dizzy, from only drinking coffee and water all day.  So I decided it was time to emotionally eat and say F you to my coffee/water diet.  I chose a little beachside stand that I had gone to before - I remembered that they had amazing clam strips (I hate the ones with the bellies).  I perused the menu while waiting in line to order.  I contemplated the Clam Strips Plate, because fatty likes fried french fries with her fried clams.  But that's an order I need to share with someone because I don't weigh 300 pounds and I think it'd be physically impossible for me to eat that much.  So I settled on a clam strips roll (which was also too much food for one person) and a diet coke.  

When number 54 was called, I got my massive cardboard basket lined with wax paper, filled with strips atop a hot dog roll. I shuffled on over to the picnic bench area to stuff my face.  The only open picnic bench is one made for a family of 10, but I sat at in anyways, facing the beach.  All the normal sized ones were filled with couples.  I stared at the beach while I ate as much as I could of the strips.  They were delicious.  Way better than a boyfriend. Way better than the couple making out at and on the table next to me.  Better than the romantic wedding I saw on the harbor on my drive home.  Better Than Ezra. 

I'm really glad today happened. I'm glad I'm focusing on the positive now.  Today made me realize that I'm lucky. I really am. I went on an awesome date to the beach.  My date paid for an amazing meal at a scenic restaurant. I'm lucky and glad that all my efforts to distract myself from loneliness end up accentuating it. But I'm OPTIMISTIC and POSITIVE that it's going to change soon.  I have no doubt in my mind about that.  (That wasn't meant to be sarcastic - I know it's confusing when I say nice/happy/positive things and mean them.)

People Fascinate Me: Exhibit A

...so I'm at the gym. I'm sitting at my stationary bicycle station. Headphones in. My iPod on the loudest volume possible. I have my water in the water bottle holder and I have my book (a collection of short stories by Neil Gaiman, the guy who wrote Coraline) on the little ledge of the screen. I also have 4 screens of TV in front and above me with four different shows playing. Clearly, I intend to have myself set up for as much distraction as possible. I switch back and forth between changing songs, watching TV and reading a short story.

20 minutes into my cyclation, listening to "Mouth" - by Bush - a pretty motivating gym song, this crazy-haired Asian guy sits at the bike directly next to me (even though there is a line of 9 empty bikes in a row - all perfectly functional). It's obvious to me, but not so much to him, that whoever sat at that bike before him was much short than him, as he is way too close to the screen and his knees hit the handles as he spins. I can see his routine out of the corner of my eye. He keeps turning his head directly to look at me, after which he races, spinning top speed for about 30 seconds, then he claps, and possibly cheers (I can't hear because of my headphones, but his mouth is definitely moving).

After a few of these cycles he leans closer to me during his head-turn-and-stare-at-me step, and he taps me on the shoulder and says something. He makes a face like he's looking for a response. I take out one headphone and make the most pissed off face possible and say "Pardon?" as rude and perturbed sounding as I can possibly utter. "Can I check out your book?" he screams. At this point, I notice everyone in the gym with and without headphones is staring at us, leading me to the conclusion that he's been asking me this for a while, and keeps getting louder. "Sure."

I put my headphones back in and see him flip through and read my book while rocking himself in the bike and laughing hysterically from the corner of my eye. He puts the book back on the ledge and I assume he's just saying thanks so I don't take my headphones off again. I smile politely and then draw my eyes to the TVs, hoping he'll go away. Another tap on my arm. Angrily and violently I take one earbud out and turn violently. "DO YOU LIKE MAGIC?!!!" he screams at me. I calmly turn my head, put the earbud back in and continue ignoring him for another 15 minutes of bike ride before he leaves for another machine or victim, trying desperately not to laugh until after he leaves.