OBJECTIVE:
Seeking a position in which I am underpaid and overqualified, preferably in the death field. Growing up, who didn't want to be a mortician? Also, marrying rich and becoming a trophy wife (not to be confused with “housewife,” “homemaker” or “mother”) would be awesome too!
EDUCATION:
Doctorate (that means PhD) of Judgment from Judgment University '08
Majors: the Wave, Pangaea (you know, that whole “supercontinent” theory thing)
Minors: Slow clapping, Being bitter, Sarcasm, Lazy rivers
EXPERIENCE:
Company: the Universe BC - Present
Title: God
- Creating people
- Being God, obviously
- This is pretty self explanatory, I don't know why I have to explain this to you
Company: Mattel 1965 - 1999
Title :Barbie Doll
- Doctor
- Lawyer
- Veterinarian
- Babysitter
- Sister
- Princess
- Malibu Bikini
- Bride
- Roller Skating Waitress
- Mom
- Best Friend
- Shining Role Model
Company: My Head 1988 - Present
Title: Freelance Fashion Consultant
- Silently talked to myself about the horrific outfits people chose to wear
- Thought about ways in which their outfits might be made less ugly
- Never once felt remorse or regret for said judging
- Contemplated giving some lessons on colors that should not be worn together (I.e. red & green; black, grey, brown & navy blue)
- Worked with many high profile clients and celebrities (such as Courtney Love, Donald Trump, the entire cast of Deadliest Catch)
- Did some pro bono work too
SKILLS:
- Really amazing at practically everything you could possibly imagine
- Special certification in being really good at being modest
- Awesome at observing and noting ticks, phrases and gestures that individuals over-use
- Super passive aggressive and therefore really good at leaving anonymous notes
- Recently learned how to shave the back half of my legs
- Un-jamming staplers with little-to-no blood or injuries most of the time
- Working knowledge of over-reacting and over-analyzing
INTERESTS:
- Felines
- Chamber Music
- Diamonds
- Bruises
- Buying expensive things
- Mullets, mustaches, beards and side burns (but not fu manchus)
- Prime numbers