hanukkitty

Happy Almost Halloween

Survival of the Most Creative: Musings from the 57 Bus

by Julie, guest blogger

Ask any public transportation commuter, and you will find that every route has its fair share of characters. Maybe to some it's just an everyday occurrence, simply what you get for taking the bus or train. But to me, getting to know this cast of characters is a matter of survival on a city bus. If I had to take the 57 (read: 7+ miles of stop-and-go traffic through three of Boston's most obnoxious neighborhoods) without having the players, I'd probably throw myself under the bus' giant tires.

So, without further ado, here it is, the ever-expanding cast list:

• Nose-picking guy: While a surprising number of bus patrons think they're invisible and can go at their noses without being seen, this guy is a regular offender. He sat next to me once, and I body slammed the bus wall trying to stay away from his contact.
• The entire student body from a local English language-learning school: When they all talk at once, I'm scared. I feel like I'm in one of those Spanish game shows and some guy in a chicken suit is going to start throwing watermelons at me, or something equally weird and painful.
• Paranoid hippy: He needs no explanation. Too much LSD.
• Grandma death: I feel mean, but this woman really personifies death. In addition to her hollow eye sockets (I'm serious), she wears plaid fleece pants and has shoes with no soles. It's kind of sad. Actually, I haven't seen her on the bus for awhile...
• Talking/lonely dude: We've ALL seen this guy before. Avoid eye contact at all costs or else he will engage you in meaningless conversation about nonsense. No one is safe.
• Bus stop begger: This woman is relentless about asking drivers to create new stops for her. I once heard her offer a driver "a million dollars to stop right now." Next she'll offer to be his best friend!
• The baby that screams, and his deaf nanny: I've never heard a child burst out into such random, unpredictable, incredibly loud screeches. It's a wonder the driver doesn't swerve off the road. And Satan's nanny? Doesn't even flinch.
  
• Old pop music girl: This girl consistently blasts crappy old pop music. When the bus gets quiet, we can all hear you listening to Chumbawumba. Ouch.
• (Old pop music girl's soulmate) Extremely loud rap music boy: No matter how high you turn that puppy up, we're still in Allston, not Harlem.
• Julie Benz: Yes, the actress who played Dexter's wife is in fact on my bus every morning.
• Fat Jim Halpert: This guy looks like The Office fave leveraged a lot of food.
• And many more, less interesting people.
  

So boys and girls, here's your lesson: the more you look at public transportation patrons and judge them, create stories for them, and silently compare to them celebrities, the happier more tolerable your ride will be.

Should I post this to Monster.com?

OBJECTIVE:

Seeking a position in which I am underpaid and overqualified, preferably in the death field. Growing up, who didn't want to be a mortician? Also, marrying rich and becoming a trophy wife (not to be confused with “housewife,” “homemaker” or “mother”) would be awesome too!

EDUCATION:

Doctorate (that means PhD) of Judgment from Judgment University '08

Majors: the Wave, Pangaea (you know, that whole “supercontinent” theory thing)

Minors: Slow clapping, Being bitter, Sarcasm, Lazy rivers

EXPERIENCE:

Company: the Universe BC - Present

Title: God

• Creating people
• Being God, obviously
• This is pretty self explanatory, I don't know why I have to explain this to you

Company: Mattel 1965 - 1999

Title :Barbie Doll

• Doctor
• Lawyer
• Veterinarian
• Babysitter
• Sister
• Princess
• Malibu Bikini
• Bride
• Roller Skating Waitress
• Mom
• Best Friend
• Shining Role Model

Company: My Head 1988 - Present

Title: Freelance Fashion Consultant

• Silently talked to myself about the horrific outfits people chose to wear
• Thought about ways in which their outfits might be made less ugly
• Never once felt remorse or regret for said judging
• Contemplated giving some lessons on colors that should not be worn together (I.e. red & green; black, grey, brown & navy blue)
• Worked with many high profile clients and celebrities (such as Courtney Love, Donald Trump, the entire cast of Deadliest Catch)
• Did some pro bono work too

SKILLS:

• Really amazing at practically everything you could possibly imagine
• Special certification in being really good at being modest
• Awesome at observing and noting ticks, phrases and gestures that individuals over-use
• Super passive aggressive and therefore really good at leaving anonymous notes
• Recently learned how to shave the back half of my legs
• Un-jamming staplers with little-to-no blood or injuries most of the time
• Working knowledge of over-reacting and over-analyzing

INTERESTS:

• Felines
• Chamber Music
• Diamonds
• Bruises
• Buying expensive things
• Mullets, mustaches, beards and side burns (but not fu manchus)
• Prime numbers

Evidence that Oswald likes other boy cats

Smoldering come hither eyes.

In the closet

Clearly posing!

Legs crossed. COME ON!

Awesome pictures from the KEANE show 8/3

President's day is coming up.

My fave is Bill Clinton.

Here's me front row when he came to Bryant to campaign for his wifey.

on MLK day...

...and it not being a holiday in my office.

Normal silver linings to having to work on holidays like today:

• no traffic
• no school buses
• quiet
• few people in the office
• most important people aren't in (because they have kids who don't have school)
• less work to do (because most clients & partners aren't in [because their offices are closed])
• less people bothering you (same reasons)

Things that can ruin above silver linings:

• snow
• a lot of snow
• snow covering your car
• having to shovel
  
• DPW not plowing the streets because no one should be working or going school, right?
• running late
• your roommates (who have the day off) getting in your way and not helping you out
• your car getting stuck in the Starbuck's lot

whoops, I forgot to post this yesterday

On Beatles covers.

As a huge Beatles fan and music elitist, I don't usually like Beatles covers.

But here are two that get my stamp of approval for all auditory audiences & appreciating ears....

"Because" by the Depreciation Guild

&
"I've Just Seen a Face" by Tyler Hilton

Enjoy. That's a soft j, like the j in job (pronounced yob).
...in case you were wondering.

2010

New year. Epic pronunciation year. Hopefully changing the way we say the year....

2010.
Two-thousand ten.
Twenty 10.

I prefer the latter.

Do yourself a favor and play "Millenium" by Robbie Williams in the background while you read this to set the mood, or at least start humming it in your head.

I was born in 1986. That's "nineteen eighty six".
However, I graduated in two thousand four.
Weird. I wish twenty oh-four sounded better. How come nineteen oh-four sounds fine?

Eff the new year. F new beginnings and "starting over" and resolutions. Too cheesey. It's like Valentine's day on crack. You don't need the numerical value of a recorded year/date to change in order make a change about yourself or your situation (not to be confused with Jersey Shore's "the Situation"). No excuses, play like a champion.

I'm a little let down with where "we" are in 2010. I was told there'd be robot maids and hovercrafts (or at least hoverboards like in BTTF). Where's my personal rocket/house that floats amongst the asteroids?

I hate when people say "Happy New Years!" It's just one year. It's actually just a few more days than before. "Have fun on New Year's Eve" makes sense. "Have a great New Years," does not.

even morer Kitties!!!

more KITTIES!

KITTIES!!

Life Plan

ME: Wanna fake our own deaths and move to somewhere tropical and become hippies with me? I'm beyond over it all.

EL: Yes I'm totally down

How will we die?

ME: Juicy affair with married politician or CEO gone sour?

Thelma and Louise style drive off bridge.  We'll plant spiders in the car so CSI will blame that and not think it's suicide [or a faked death.]

EL: That's perfect.  Everyone knows I'm deathly afraid they'll never suspect.

ME: Exactly! We can use my car, it already had a spider in it once, so it's tainted with spider DNA and seamen for the CSIs to find under blacklight to determine [cause of death.]

EL: I will start looking for identities to steal so we can purchase plane tickets for when we move to Cabo.

ME: Ok, I'll research good car diving bridges near sharks or gators and start working on removing molars or evidence to ID us as the victims of this spidercrime. 

EL: Perfect plan. Phase 1 starts now. 

more doods

self portrait dream studio

I keep having weird, vivid, chillingly realistic dreams. I decided to put a notepad next to my bed so that I could write them down and remember more of them.  Instead of writing down my dreams, I drew two pictures in the middle of the night - mid sleep, I guess.

One was actually a sketch of something in my dream. I dreamt I had this art studio - the drawing actually helped me remember this dream that I might have forgotten.  My art studio was huge, infinite ceiling, enormous amounts of storage space, tons of work space and every art supply anyone could think of.  Here's my mid-sleep/dream sketch of a piece of the ginormic studio:

I also drew a self portrait, I suspect.

monologue

cover illustration for the story of princess bonus

just some doodle faces

I brainstorm-daydream ways to end my life when conference rooms or offices don't have windows** that open.

**because hurling myself out the window would be the best option.
I could...

• Hang myself with a phone cord noose, computer cord noose, ethernet cord, paper clip string noose
• Smash my head through a desktop computer screen or projector
• Stab myself in the ears with my dull scissors
• Drink all of the liquid white out in the office, granted there's enough for a fatal dose
• Remove my eyeballs, nose and ears with my staple remover
• Break the communal candy bowl and swallow the glass shards
• Eat the food (let's call it the "recession special") in the fridge that no one throws away that was left there over a year ago by people who got laid off
• Utilizing the dirty George Foreman grill in the office kitchen to grill my head, or at least sustain enough 4th degree burns so that my life is over
• Remove the flowers from my associate's vase, then drown myself in the remaining flower water
  
• String an entire box of 100+ count paper clips, swallow it
• Lock myself in a giant metal cabinet until air runs out
  
Smash a lightbulb, resulting in either death by fire or enough shattered glass to slit some serious skin*
Eat one/several of the whiteboard markers (this is long, slow, and painful, but will eventually do the job)*
Staple myself to death*
Strangulation with any number of cords--internet, conf. call phone lines, battery--all works the same*
Asphyxiation via the bag in the trash can*
• Pouring water from my water bottle on my hand and proceeding to stick it in one of the outlets*

*by jherm

NOTE:I know there have to be things I could do with a rolling chair, but I can't wrap my mind around that yet - I always try to work that one out and end up with other crazy ideas from that. As of now, I'm thinking something along the lines of assisted suicide. Like having someone push me on a rolling executive chair into a wall at really high speeds repeatedly until death do us part.

this is not the time or place for illustrations but I won't rule it out.