Memorial Day Holiday Family Card

Oswald Caleb (3.5 months) and Starr Mia (1.33 years)

On a scale from 1 to I-want-to-eat-their-faces.... how cute are my babies?

A few of my favorite things

(Please sing and/or read this to the tune of the song from Sound of Music)

Cars that make complete stops before taking right hand turns
Perfumes that smell so bad they make your nose burn
Pink eye and dirty dishes left in the sink
Homeless men next to me on the train that stink
Car accidents,traffic, pimples and glass chards
Bad breath and high interest rates on all store credit cards

When I get paid
When I get laid
When I'm on vacation
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad

Debt, student loans, vaccinations, death and rejection
Pregnancy scares, redunancy, depression and the recession
Questions that are asked when the answer is obvious
Open mouth chewers, STDs and getting hit by a bus

When I get paid
When I get laid
When I'm on vacation
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad

9/11, tsunamis, hurricane katrina, both Swine and Bird Flu
Commuting, religion, holy rollers and sitting on mysterious goo
Going to funerals,broken cell phones and getting cheated on
Computer viruses, getting mugged, lay offs and allergic reaction

When I get paid
When I get laid
When I'm on vacation
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad

Days of the Week: A Revolution

The names of the seven days of the week are completely obscure and difficult for the average person to relate to. Why not change them to inspire behavior in people and give them something they can get? Try the following list on for size, and see if it wouldn't change your days if you knew they had names like this:

Moonday: A fun and flighty start to the week.
Shoesday: Break out some brand new kicks. Or appreciate the ones you have. Or tell stories about the old woman who lived in a giant ass shoe with her kids.
Friendsday: Go out for a drink with your friends! Or, alternately, feel bad if you have none.
Curseday: There has to be at least one evil sounding day. We don't live in a world of constant sunshine and roses, so it's only fair that one day be devoted to the curses out there.
Tryday: To pick the spirits back up after Curseday. Try something. Anything at all.
Caturday: Appreciate the cat ladies in your life.
Sunday: Cuz this one already makes sense.

Wouldn't you rather wake up with a clear agenda and meaning? Help me help you and let's get this days of the week thing squared away!

On Dove Chocolates...

I hate those stupid Dove heart shaped chocolates that have inspirational sayings on them like "Every day is a blessing" and "Cherish the ones you love" and "You're beautiful inside and out." The candies themselves are delicious. But I can't bring myself to buy them, because I know that the positive message is going to ruin the taste of the chocolate for me and probably ruin my day.

I suggest they come up with some alternative packaging for those of us who are less optimistic. A lot of people dislike cheesey sayings and inspirational quotes. Here are my suggestions for a new line of messages inside the wrappers:

• This will go straight to your ass.
• Keep eating fatty.
• Chocolate does not make up for the fact that he left you.
• Everybody dies.
• Caught in the act... emotional eater.
• S my D
• No one cares about your problems.
• Deal with it.
• Good thing you skipped the gym today.
• Need a tissue?
• Pipe down.
• Sir, do not get loud.
• Always eating.
• Stop lying to yourself.
• Save up.
• The only thing a know-it-all doesn't know, is that no one likes them.
• You're probably the Karen (the friend that nobody likes).
• People in hell want ice water.
• Keep pretending that things could be worse.

I think some sarcastic silver linings could also be included in this too.

...more to be added later

"I'm in love with a hobo (remix)" by Rihanna feat. Kanye West

December 1, 2008
What can I say. I attract homeless people and then weird things happen. Incident #4….

‘Twas early morning today on the train. I get on said train, there's this homeless man (weird - that rarely happens) sitting in between two empty seats (I've learned that when others are standing in the train and not sitting or standing near him - this is a bad omen, and they should not be sat in) so I moved down the isle and I sniffed it out - not smelly so I stood in his general region because that’s where there was room, but on the other side. I quickly turned to face away from him after he started pointing at me, addressing me (or discussing me, sort of, I think) to his imaginary friends on both sides of him (in the empty seats). "She's a beauty huh? Isn't she lovely. Yeah, I know, that's what I said." I turn around (I assume he was talking about me since I was the only female on the car and he was pointing at me initially) to face away from him. "What I wouldn't do for a girl like her." Before I could contemplate the benefits of him as my boyfriend, he starts getting creepy multiple voices. Turn on? Turn off? "Shhhhh" he says to himself in an evil tone "I know. I know. I need to be quiet, I'm trying. I really am" in this like sweet totally forgivable ex-addict voice. It was like this with at least 3 voices that I could decipher back and forth for a while. Then he (they?) started talking about the "beautiful girl" again. "Look at her. What I wouldn't do for a girl like her." (it got Gollum/Schmiegel [apologies, that’s a Lord of the Ring reference, I know you’re not as big of a nerd as me… but think of the commercials and the creepy guy with “my precious” or just google it] in that minute and SOOOO CREEPY)

"I'd kill for her..." (sweet voice)
"I've done it before and I'd do it again." (creepy voice - very quick, almost yelling)
"I know. Quiet. I'm trying. You're a nice man. So good to me." (soothing, almost kid-like voice)
“I’ll fucking kill him I will. Kill him. Kill.” (fast yelling scratchy creepy voice)

I'll do an impression for you later. I think you get the picture. It got creepier. I turned my headphones up so I didn't giggle and piss him off. He went into detail about various killings and sexualized them pretty well. I tried to start slow clap when he got off the train but no one else seemed to be phased. It was awesome. Silly man.I can't wait to get old and ride public transportation all day pretending I'm crazy and senile, freaking people out.

Professional Homeless/Crazy Magnet
Homeless Date Hotline: 1 800 NOHOUSENOPROB
Jdate username: Yourcardbordboxormine

Conference Call Phrases

• "Hi, who joined?"


• "Are we waiting on anyone else?"


• "Is everyone/anyone from [insert company or department name or location] on?"


• "Is [insert person's name] joining the call today?"


• "Let's talk about this off line"


• "Does anyone have anything else to discuss"


• "...I guess we can get started."


• “Are you still with us [Name]?”


• "Does everyone hear that echo? Oh it's gone. No it's back again. How do we get rid of that echo?"


• "Can everyone please mute their lines when you're not speaking?"


• "I think [Name] dropped off."


• “I forgot she was here!”


• "[Name] can't join today, (s)he has a conflict"


• "Should we wait for [Name]?"


• “Alright, we’re all set”


• "Are you on speaker“I just need to dial [Name] in”


• “I know you can’t see it, but we will send you the spreadsheet electronically”


• “Okay, let’s roundtable”


• "[Name], can you speak up please, it's hard to hear you."


• "I don't have it in front of me..."


• "Let me open up that file and take a look"


• "I don't see that e-mail, can you forward it to me"
• "Are you on speaker?"


• "We can get started... [Name] is finishing up on another call and will be joining shortly."


• "[Name], will you be attending these calls going forward? Ok, I'll add you on and send you the invite."

This list was compiled by E.L. and B.O. in October of the year 2008.

Why Fast Food Friday isn't as good of an idea as it sounds...

• We won't even be able to eat dinner, that's how much food we ate, and how full we are.
• We're all going to get fat.
• We eat too much, and then get sleepy.
• There are no pillows and blankets or sleeping bags in the office. Jeans friday does not = sweatpants friday, and elastic wastebands are necessary for that amount of consumption.
• The closest KFC is in a sketchy neighborhood, and getting lost/mugged is inevitable.
• We still have to do work afterwards.
• We all swear off fast food for at least 2 years after we finish, but it still seems like a good idea by the time the next Friday rolls around.
• It's hard to get rid of the giggles (and they hurt) when your belly is full of crispy chicken, mashies, cole slaw, mac & cheese and fountain sodes.
• Office bathroom is not your home bathroom.

my list from 10/17/2008

My Personal Ad

Reasons any guy would want to date me:

1. I'm partial to the smell of skin that's been in the sun (or in a tanning bed). Basically, what I'm trying to say is that I enjoy the smell of burning skin, or skin cancer, the choice is yours.
   
2. I'm super judgemental. ...Nice face by the way.
3. I rarely shave the top half of my legs. I see no point. I have blonde hair. It's soft. Not like golden retreiver soft, that'd be gross. Like almost shaved skin soft.


4. My hair never looks good when I wake up. People are usually shocked by it and like to point it out when they see it. I'm used to it. It's a given. I just don't have that magical power to wake up looking good.


5. I get sick of people very easily.


6. I drool when I sleep well. Not just a little drool. We're talking puddles. Like I have to turn the pillow over if I wake up. The bigger the puddle, the better the nap, the deeper the sleep(er).


7. I get filterless and verbally combative when I drink vodka or if I am really hungover.


8. I've always wanted to do a snot rocket, but have never been successful. My one and only attempt was more like a snot firework-that-didn't-go-off-right rather than a rocket.


9. I love telling lies. I love having secrets and getting away with it.


10. I don't show or tell feelings or emotions. Crystal ball and psychic powers are required. No cheating and calling OR texting Mama Cleo.


11. I like to make weird noises at random times for fun.


12. I like to talk in different voices for different situations.


13. I'm on the pathway to becoming a crazy cat lady. I basically have a different language and voice that I use with only my cats. I have two. They both have middle names.


14. I have eczema and allergies. Quite the combo pack. Almost as sexy and romantic as a heart murmur and swine flu.
15. I'm really good at spending money and creating debt.
16. I think almost everything's funny and not much is too soon or too offensive.
17. Main life objective: I strive to be bitchier every day.
18. My new years resolutions this year were to gain 10 pounds, to start drinking more, to learn the entire "Thriller" dance
19. This is me in 1997...

13 reasons why everyone wants to boink* me this morning**

13 reasons why everyone wants to boink* me this morning**

1. my hair is gross and frizzy (poof) with chunks of dried hairspray on it because i couldn't get my hairspray to properly spray this morning.
   
2. my forehead is exposed.... ew
   
3. I tried to over compensate for today's ugliness by over-doing it with the bronzer, so I most likely have a brown ring somewhere
4. Also, some pixie must have been playing with my bronzer brush because my face is all sparkly with magic fairy dust today and my bronzer does not have shimmer
   
5. i have at least one pimple between my eyebrows and three little white heads under one nostril
6. I have razor burn and rug burn on my knees
7. i didn't shave any more on my legs between yesterday and today
8. I SMELL LIKE SULFUR
9. Parts of my skin are dyed a radioactive shade of yellow
10. i'm wearing a skirt that makes me look hippy and frumpy and falls down awkwardly to ruin the appearance of my shirt and sweater.
11. there are hairspray stains on my shirt from the mishap with the hairspray
    
12. My eyes watered from the wind on the walk from the lot to summer st. and into my building, so i likely have streaks of mascara everywhere on my face that i won't notice until 6pm.
    
13. I'm the palest I've been in 5 years (except my face, because, if you recall from earlier in the list, I put on too much bronzer to over-compensate my ugliness today)

* considered alternatives to boink:

1. bam bam
2. slam
3. sleep with
4. ravage
5. procreate with
   
6. poke
7. hump
8. sex
9. do the "humpty hump" with
10. fornicate
11. lick
12. air jordan
13. roscoe
14. impregnate

**this was an e-mail I sent out 4/29/2009 - I wanted to publish it and save it forever and ever and ever

Plans

Since I don't technically have "disposable income" and I can't really "afford" anything, including living on my own, I've decided I need to come up with a plan... a plan to either make money, or get rid of bills.

Ideas:

1. Fake my own death/assassination in a dramatic way so that I don't have to pay my student loans and I can bank off of my diary/gmail conversations that a friend (who is in on my death faking) will publish and sell the rights to make a dramatic and/or Lifetime movie about.
   
2. Put an add on craigslist to see if anyone wants to volunteer to pay off my credit card debt and/or student loans... mainly student loans.
   
3. Find some old man who wants to sponsor my lifestyle (pretty much the same as item #2, but this requires an affair or relationship and implies more presents and vacations and not just a stranger who feels bad for me).
4. Cure cancer (on the side, like less than part time).
   
5. ...

more to come

Letter to Users of the word "Journey"

Dear Users of the word "Journey,"

Kindly die.
No one cares how WONDERFUL it is that your "LIFE is like a JOURNEY".
Wow, never heard that one before. You're original. I bet you're the first one to say that.
Stop it. Really.
"It's not the destination, it's the journey."
No one wants to "share" any "journey" with you reality dating show stars. You're the only one who is glad that now you "can start the next chapter" of your life.
I wish there were a more cliche way for me to state how much hatred I have for you.
No matter how much you want it to be, your life isn't a romantic comedy. Fiction. False. Lies.
Please end your life. No next chapter. No epilogue even.

Love,
Me

Dear Onions,
I don't like you. I never have, and I probably never will (except for in fried ring and artificial form).
I don't understand why people put you in food. You are ugly. You get slimy when cooked. You make breath smell bad. You overpower other flavors and ruin things. You're a ruiner.
You're a disgrace to vegetables.
Die.
Love,
PP

Fantasy Reality Show Idea

So guys have Fantasy Teams for sports... why can't there be fantasy teams for reality tv watching?

Fantasy Reality Show Teams.... make it happen.

I want to do it. It'd make watching trashy TV way more fun. I don't know exactly how to make this work... but maybe...each reality show is an actual team in real life, like a football team. And we can pick "players" or contestants from the show, like Daisy from RoL2, or Greg from the Pickup Artist, one of the girls from the Bachelor, or one of the guys from the Bachelorette. I don't know how points and things would work (maybe make outs and certain dramas can be points, and obviously winning challenges and not getting voted off), but I think it'll take a lot of planning because the shows have to be current, and the reality shows have to involve being voted off.

Here are some ideas of shows I'd like to include
vh1 shows:

• Rock of Love
  
• Daisy of Love
• Pick Up Artist

mtv:

• rw/rr challenge
• Real World
  
• Paris Hilton's my new BFF (or whatever's on like that Bromance, etc.)
  

network tv:

• Survivor
• Big Brother
• Amazing Race
• the Mole
• American Idol
• Dancing with the Stars
• So you think you can dance
• ANTM

Other:

• Design Star
• Project Runway

Shows I'd like to include, but wouldn't know how it would work (but I'm thinking something along the lines of guessing what's going to happen based on the previews):

• the Hills
• Keeping up with the Kardashians
• Living Lohan
• Intervention
• Cheaters
• Wifeswap
• Millionaire Match Maker
• Flipping Out
• What Not To Wear
• J&K + 8
• Next

Words/Phrases to Bring BacK

• Drats
• Psyche!
• Score! [hand motion]
• Holy smokes
• Dungarees
• Slacks
• Pocketbook
• Swell
• Nuts!
• Bomb diggity/Da bomb
• 
  

....more to be added at a later time

My Resume

OBJECTIVE:

Seeking a position in which I am underpaid and overqualified, preferably in the death field. Growing up, who didn't want to be a mortician? Marrying rich and becoming a trophy wife (not a mother) would be awesome too!

EDUCATION:

Doctorate (that means PhD) of Judgment from Judgment University '08

Majors: the Wave and Pangaea

Minors: Slow clap, Being Bitter, Sarcasm

EXPERIENCE:

Company: the Universe 0 BC - Present

Title: God

• Creating people
• Being God, obviously
• This is pretty self explanatory, I don't know why I have to explain this to you

Company: Mattel 1965 - 1999

Title :Barbie Doll

• Doctor
• Lawyer
• Veterinarian
• Babysitter
• Sister
• Princess
• Malibu Bikini
• Bride
• Roller Skating Waitress
  
• Mom
  
• Best Friend
• Shining Role Model
  

Company: My Head 1988 - Present

Title: Freelance Fashion Consultant

• Silently talked to myself about the horrific outfits people chose to wear
• Thought about ways in which their outfits might be made less ugly
• Never once felt remorse or regret for said judging
• Contemplated giving some lessons on colors that should not be worn together (I.e. red & green; black, grey, brown & navy blue)
• Worked with many high profile clients and celebrities (such as Courtney Love, Donald Trump, the entire cast of Deadliest Catch)
• Did some pro bono work too

SKILLS:

• Really amazing at practically everything you could possibly imagine
• Special certification in being really good at being modest
• Awesome at observing and noting ticks, phrases and gestures that individuals often use
• Super passive aggressive and therefore really good at leaving anonymous notes
• Recently learned how to shave the back half of my legs
• Unjamming staplers
• Working knowledge of over-reacting and over-analyzing

INTERESTS:

• Felines (preferably of the Domestic Variety)
• Chamber Music
• Diamonds
  
• Bruises
• Buying expensive things
• Taking pictures of strangers' mullets, mustaches and side burns
  
• Prime numbers

Unexpected Phlegm Inducing Food Products

1. Skittles
   
2. M&Ms
3. Cadbury Mini Eggs
4. Sprite
5. Flavored iced coffee from DD
6. Anything with coconut in it
7. Cornish hen (...just kidding I don't even know what that is really.)
   

Icebreaker

Who would you want to play you in the Lifetime movie of your life [fill in juicy story here (i.e. that tragically ended when you were assassinated via shark attack because you had dirt on the politician you were having an affair with so that he would pay your student loans and credit card debt, but it's okay because you faked your own death, but lifetime doesn't know that)]?

SUBQUESTION: What would the title of this movie be?

10 Things I Hate About ABC Family

1. 10 things remake (http://www.shineon-media.com/2009/05/08/10-things-i-hate-about-you-first-look/)
2. They cancelled Kyle XY - how am I supposed to stay updated on the Traeger family?
   
3. Kyle XY finale ended without a proper ending
4. Lack of Christmas Claymation Movies on during the summer months
5. "American Teenager" show where the high school chick is preggers = RELIGIOUS PROPAGANDA
6. I'll blame them for ABC's cancellation of my other favorite show: Pushing Daisies.
7. They didn't have a highly publicized showing of 1970s classic claymation tale: "The Easter Bunny is Comin' To Town" this easter/passover season
8. Lack of Jewish holiday claymation movies... goys.
   
9. Same full-house re-runs - always when Michelles are 1 - 2.
   
10. they DONT make me feel like FAMILY when I watch anymore... because I don't watch anymore... because of the above reasons

Muffinfaces

Because I usually want more than one.

What's the proper way to pluralize the cookie/candy treat that we so lovingly refer to as "Twix"?

Possibilities:

• Twixi (like alumni)
  
• Twix (as in deer)
• Twex (sort of like mouse and mice, but not really)
• Twices (like matrix/matrices)
• Twixs/Twixes - sounds wrong
  

S my D CIS professor

I found this e-mail that I wrote a while ago and it made me laugh...

I know you're prolly super busy, but I'm in need of a tangent and distraction. I need loud noise hour back in my life, and I could use a little more pessimism, negativity and overall judgment in my lifestyle.

Rember* CIS class, and all the stupid things we thought we'd never need to use again?

Yeah, I'm using them pretty much daily... things like IF statements and VLOOKUPs, and starting to contemplate the uselessness of much of my education that I'll begin paying for shortly.

Dear Professor of Computer Information Systems,

I used to sleep through your class because you have a monotone voice. Apparently your lectures subconsciously entered my brain.

Check out the nested if statement below and proceed to suck it.

=IF(H4<=5,"5 or less days",IF(H4<=10,"10-15 days", IF(H4<=15,"11-15 days", IF(H4<=20,"16 - 20 Days",IF(H4<=25,"21 - 25 days","25 days or more")))))

Thanks for the C-! That was really helpful and didn't hurt my GPA or fun at all. I'm glad frat boys and athletes got As in your class because they had your exams and excuses to skip classes.

Regards,
Pessimistic D. Penelope
CIS MASTER

P.S. You look like a frog and everyone in my class thought you were a spy. Enjoy your spaghetti. I will be willing to accept a refund in the amount of $40,000 for the time I wasted in your classroom (this is a fairly reasonable rate considering inflation, tuition, interest, and the current state of the economy.

*yes, I spelled it like this on purpose, it's going to be added to the list

Activities I miss from Elementary School

1. Acrostics
2. Logic problems
3. Venn diagrams
4. Diaramas (sp?)
5. Recess (kickball, 4 square, sitting on the wall if you didn't do your homework or if you got caught standing on the swings by the recess teachers)
   
6. Open circle
7. Getting home before 3pm
8. Getting positive and encouraging stickers
9. Cubbies
10. Name tags
11. Recorder lessons (hot cross buns)

Woulda coulda shoulda been a(n):

• Ballerina
• Cheerleader
  
• Gymnast
• Olympic Athlete
• "Smart" person
  
• Rodeo Clown
• Musician (preferably a pianist or flutist - because they're both fun to say)
  
• Singer/songwriter
  
• Professional Chess Player (think Bobby Fischer)
• Acrobat
• Butter Cream Frosted Cupcake
  
• Cookie
• Cookie Monster
• Puppet
• Race Car Driver
• Stunt double
  
• Stunt double for ...Mr. T
• Mr. T
• Auto Mechanic
• Car Salesman
• Politician
• Hippie
• Siamese Twin
• Plastic surgeon
• Atmosphere
• Galaxy
• Ratio
• Rainbow
• Computer
• Post it note
• Glue
  

Mandatory Interview Questions

• What do you want your last meal to be?
• If you could have a super power what would it be?
• If you could choose a talent or skill to be given (something you can't do) what would you want it to be?
• If you could go to any concert (the band or person no longer has to be alive or together) what would it be?
• What do you have inside your fridge?
• If you were a god, what would you do to the world?
• If you could major in anything else besides what you majored in, what would it be and why?
• Which reality TV show would you be on and why?
• What's the most annoying trait in a roommate?
• What's your biggest pet peeve?
• If you could live in any decade in the 1900's, which would it be and why?
• What is your biggest irrational fear (rational fear = car accident; biggest irrational fear = beetles)?
• Who would you dress up as if I threw a Dead Celebrity's Party and why?
• What was the best/worst present you ever received?
• What/where would your dream house be?
• If you could meet one celebrity that is still living, who would it be and why?
• If you could learn the truth to one unsolved mystery, what would it be and why?

On Weather...

Dear Weather,
I'm writing to inquire as to why you are only nice and sunny while I'm working. Are you mad at me? Did I forget your birthday? Our anniversary? Why are you withholding? You're making it really hard to get tan and happy.
What did I ever do to you?
Can you please make it sunny some weekend soon? If you do, I'll wear your favorite bikini! ;)
Too much rain on the weekends recently. Stop crying. Suck it up. Grow up. Suck it up and DEAL WITH IT... and provide me with some sunshine please. And if you could make the sun stay out past 6pm, that would be great.
Thanks,
PP

Ode to technology

Technology is great. Phenomenal even. It makes life easier.
Yeah, we're reliant on it and can't function without it. Etc. Whatever. Deal with it. Grow up. Go live on a commune island and wear dread locks and eat bamboo and raw food, we don't like you either.

Why can't it make live even easier-er?

Wireless internet - this works.... Why can't everything be wireless then? Can someone please make it happen? No one likes cords. They get tangled. People trip on them. They get pulled out accidentally (that's what she said?). Cords ruin lives. Someone fix it. Make them all wireless. Save the environment? Damn the man, save the empire.

Dear Cords,
Go away. I don't need you. I no longer want to be tangled in you. I've had it. I don't want to untangle your knots anymore. I know this is sudden, but I think we need to go separate ways. No, I don't want to just take a break. Breaks are just away to delay the inevitable break up. It's over. Don't call me. Don't text me. We're through.
Love Always,
Everything you're plugged into.

Things I'd like to do if I were in upper managment

One day I hope to rule the world in utter bitchiness. I'd love to be one of those people who can get away with sheer rudeness, sarcasm and being a straight up bitch. I think somewhere deep inside of me I have this ability. I've been known to get loud and quickly give people my honest, filterless completely bitchy thoughts and opinions... usually induced by vodka... or a really bad hang over. I say things like "...yeah, I don't really care," in response to someone's story that I'd normally be sympathizing with on the outside. I call people out when they "make excuses" for things and I'm generally very snappy when I'm in that state. A filterless state... where my inner monologue and my inner bitch get together in a vodka/hangover lovemaking session and reproduce a whole litter of uncontrolled bitchy, judgmental and rude comments out of my mouth at loud decibles.

Here are things that I hope to do and say if I ever get to a position of power, in corporate america:

• Interrupt people when they’re defending themselves against my filterlessness and say “Jeez, you don’t have to get defensive.”
• Whisper/sing “I saw your resume on Monster.com” or “I hear layoffs are happening” when I walk by people who should quit/leave (after I leave a few packing boxes and pamphlets for those career certificate schools on or around their desk/cube while they’re not there). Basically instill further job loss paranoia in those who are already paranoid, suck at their jobs and hate their jobs.
• Answer hypothetical questions and yes or no questions with “..if you still want a job tomorrow.”
• Constantly refer to my “crystal ball” and “time machine” – suggest that others use theirs more often.
• To be used with superiors only: “Not only does your speaking hurt my head and ears, it also wastes my time. Please file your suggestion/complaint in my suggestion box at your earliest convenience.”
• Use ? as much as possible in condescending e-mails to idiots. (i.e. No, you’re wrong. ? )
• “Fix it..” in as much of a valley girl voice as possible, as much as possible – dust off the air hand motion necessary
• Be as cryptic and sarcastic and crazy as possible as much as possible so that people fear me, but people who get it think I’m funny, but also sort of fear me
• Make open threats and let HR deal with the aftermath.
• Hold weekly what-not-to-wear meetings where I criticize the way one person in the office dresses, or particular fads or fashions that I deem unattractive and unacceptable.
• Open every meeting (and conference call) with “high five your neighbor.” Change that up every so often, to “3 minutes of handholding and uninterrupted eye contact with your neighbor” and the like.
• Distribute friend points and high fives when people are down. “You look stressed… here, have 38 high fives and 3400 friend points” - make sure all high fives are received. Demand high fives and friend points from others.
• Publish my snubster list on a giant white board. (So everyone knows who is On notice, and/or Dead to me.)
• Make awkward set up suggestions and give awful relationship advice. (i.e. suggest to the college intern that the recently divorced CEO wants to have a romantic lunch together, suggest the same to him, send roses for them to each other; insist that the office’s openly gay guy date the cat lady spinster, ignore any negative comments.
• Try to laugh as little as possible in public. When people laugh at mean things I say (that are actually jokes in my head) insist that nothing is funny about what was just said.
• Get caught eating other’s lunches and when they claim it’s theirs, thank them for making it, but insult it somehow, like “it could have used more mayo.”

Back handed compliments I wish I had the nerve to say to people

I've never understood people who have this innate ability to deliver back handed compliments. Certain types of people possess this magical skill. Unfortunately, I am not one of those. They have this natural ability to say something to you in such a nice way that it sounds like a compliment to you and all witnesses. Then out of nowhere, weeks, days, minutes, hours or seconds - it hits you. It wasn't really a compliment. They insulted you in the process of the compliment. People that have this power fascinate me and irritate me all at the same time. I'm not sure if it's the delivery or the wording or the personality of the person, but clearly I don't have any of that. Mine just come out as insults. See my attempts below:

• "Your lack of social cues is a refreshing look into what it's like to be extraordinarily awkward!"
• "I think your complaints really take away from the office atmosphere. Congrats!"
• "I like how you take things out on other people when you’re stressed out."
• "You’re really good at thinking you’re smarter than everyone."
• "No offense, but your unibrow makes everything you say hysterical!!!"
• "I find it fascinating that you don’t really work at work, but rather, reassign things to other people. What I’m trying to say is… You’re really good at delegating."
• "I admire your ability to shamelessly kiss ass while simultaneously throwing others under the bus and appearing trustworthy."
• "Your laziness inspires me to work harder and makes me glad I’m not you."
• "I pretty much ignore you at all times. Everything that comes out of your mouth is redundant. But sure, let’s schedule a meeting because I know how much you like hearing the sound of your own voice repeating others' ideas that are beyond obvious to everyone in the room."

SAT Words in the Office - Used inappropriately

• impetuous
• discrepancy*
• verbose
• poignant
• flagrant
• novice
• abate
• perpetual
• diligent
• banal**
• propensity
• habitual
• vehement(ly)
• ephemeral
• nefarious
• behemoth
• aberration
• vacillating
• ostensibly
• circuitous
• legerdemain***
• nebulous
• illusive ellusive
• vapid
• delineate

*I’ll admit that I have probably used this word at work at least once because of what we deal with, but she uses it to talk about social networking sites and celebrity gossip too.
**probably my least favorite SAT word EVER.
***had to look that one up and still don't know what it means

Corporate America words/phrases Bryant University's Business Cirriculum did not teach me:

• ping
• high level
• back end
• FYI
• leverage
• pipeline
• action item
• hot item
• stream line
• moving forward
• from a business perspective
• off the clock
• internally
• hard stop
• spearhead
• EOD
• drill down/drilling down
• action plan
• best practices
• offline ("let's talk about this offline")
• "Hi, who joined?" (conf. call)
• skill set
• going forward
• high level
• touch base
• reach out to you
• Push-back
• net-net
• operationally
• piggy back (i thought we left that one in 3rd grade)
• time frame
• framework
• in the mean time
• re-evaluate
• finalize
• bear (as in "this one is a bear" bear bear bear not as in "bear market")
• "earmark" meaning to "hold off" (which is another good one) as in "lets earmark that one for tomorrow"
• run the gamut
• workaround
• deploy, deployment
• QC
• QA
• "run this by [Dorothy]"
• escalate
• okay, okay
• alright
• work-around
• disconnect
• deflated
• workflow
• validation
• process
• functionality
• dove tail
• ingestion
• heads up (as in "Just to give you a heads up...")
• circle back
• iron out
• dry run
• solidify
• bandwidth
• CYA (Cover Your A*)
  

Office Characters - description may or may not be needed

it all started with Negative Nancy...

• Smelly Supervisor Sandy
• Judgemental Judy
• High-horse Horatio
• Stressed Out Stephen/Anal Alan/OCD Oscar/Nervous Ned
• Positive Polly
• Masters Degree Molly
• Relatable Rita
• Gullable Genevieve
• Over-reacting Olive
• Condescending Condaleeza
• Swine Flu Phobe Stephanie / Anti-Bacterial Anna / Pandemic Pamela
• "Not in THIS economy" Nancy / Recession Remy /
• Lazy Luke
• Um... um... Uma / Um... um... Urkle
  
• Like Lucy
• Smiley Sarah
• Ugly Sweater Ursula
• Short Pants Sondra
• Weather Walter