December 1, 2008
What can I say. I attract homeless people and then weird things happen. Incident #4….
‘Twas early morning today on the train. I get on said train, there's this homeless man (weird - that rarely happens) sitting in between two empty seats (I've learned that when others are standing in the train and not sitting or standing near him - this is a bad omen, and they should not be sat in) so I moved down the isle and I sniffed it out - not smelly so I stood in his general region because that’s where there was room, but on the other side. I quickly turned to face away from him after he started pointing at me, addressing me (or discussing me, sort of, I think) to his imaginary friends on both sides of him (in the empty seats). "She's a beauty huh? Isn't she lovely. Yeah, I know, that's what I said." I turn around (I assume he was talking about me since I was the only female on the car and he was pointing at me initially) to face away from him. "What I wouldn't do for a girl like her." Before I could contemplate the benefits of him as my boyfriend, he starts getting creepy multiple voices. Turn on? Turn off? "Shhhhh" he says to himself in an evil tone "I know. I know. I need to be quiet, I'm trying. I really am" in this like sweet totally forgivable ex-addict voice. It was like this with at least 3 voices that I could decipher back and forth for a while. Then he (they?) started talking about the "beautiful girl" again. "Look at her. What I wouldn't do for a girl like her." (it got Gollum/Schmiegel [apologies, that’s a Lord of the Ring reference, I know you’re not as big of a nerd as me… but think of the commercials and the creepy guy with “my precious” or just google it] in that minute and SOOOO CREEPY)
"I'd kill for her..." (sweet voice)
"I've done it before and I'd do it again." (creepy voice - very quick, almost yelling)
"I know. Quiet. I'm trying. You're a nice man. So good to me." (soothing, almost kid-like voice)
“I’ll fucking kill him I will. Kill him. Kill.” (fast yelling scratchy creepy voice)
I'll do an impression for you later. I think you get the picture. It got creepier. I turned my headphones up so I didn't giggle and piss him off. He went into detail about various killings and sexualized them pretty well. I tried to start slow clap when he got off the train but no one else seemed to be phased. It was awesome. Silly man.I can't wait to get old and ride public transportation all day pretending I'm crazy and senile, freaking people out.
Homeless Date Hotline: 1 800 NOHOUSENOPROB
Jdate username: Yourcardbordboxormine
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