13 reasons why everyone wants to boink* me this morning**

13 reasons why everyone wants to boink* me this morning**

1. my hair is gross and frizzy (poof) with chunks of dried hairspray on it because i couldn't get my hairspray to properly spray this morning.
   
2. my forehead is exposed.... ew
   
3. I tried to over compensate for today's ugliness by over-doing it with the bronzer, so I most likely have a brown ring somewhere
4. Also, some pixie must have been playing with my bronzer brush because my face is all sparkly with magic fairy dust today and my bronzer does not have shimmer
   
5. i have at least one pimple between my eyebrows and three little white heads under one nostril
6. I have razor burn and rug burn on my knees
7. i didn't shave any more on my legs between yesterday and today
8. I SMELL LIKE SULFUR
9. Parts of my skin are dyed a radioactive shade of yellow
10. i'm wearing a skirt that makes me look hippy and frumpy and falls down awkwardly to ruin the appearance of my shirt and sweater.
11. there are hairspray stains on my shirt from the mishap with the hairspray
    
12. My eyes watered from the wind on the walk from the lot to summer st. and into my building, so i likely have streaks of mascara everywhere on my face that i won't notice until 6pm.
    
13. I'm the palest I've been in 5 years (except my face, because, if you recall from earlier in the list, I put on too much bronzer to over-compensate my ugliness today)

* considered alternatives to boink:

1. bam bam
2. slam
3. sleep with
4. ravage
5. procreate with
   
6. poke
7. hump
8. sex
9. do the "humpty hump" with
10. fornicate
11. lick
12. air jordan
13. roscoe
14. impregnate

**this was an e-mail I sent out 4/29/2009 - I wanted to publish it and save it forever and ever and ever