My Personal Ad

Reasons any guy would want to date me:

1. I'm partial to the smell of skin that's been in the sun (or in a tanning bed). Basically, what I'm trying to say is that I enjoy the smell of burning skin, or skin cancer, the choice is yours.
   
2. I'm super judgemental. ...Nice face by the way.
3. I rarely shave the top half of my legs. I see no point. I have blonde hair. It's soft. Not like golden retreiver soft, that'd be gross. Like almost shaved skin soft.


4. My hair never looks good when I wake up. People are usually shocked by it and like to point it out when they see it. I'm used to it. It's a given. I just don't have that magical power to wake up looking good.


5. I get sick of people very easily.


6. I drool when I sleep well. Not just a little drool. We're talking puddles. Like I have to turn the pillow over if I wake up. The bigger the puddle, the better the nap, the deeper the sleep(er).


7. I get filterless and verbally combative when I drink vodka or if I am really hungover.


8. I've always wanted to do a snot rocket, but have never been successful. My one and only attempt was more like a snot firework-that-didn't-go-off-right rather than a rocket.


9. I love telling lies. I love having secrets and getting away with it.


10. I don't show or tell feelings or emotions. Crystal ball and psychic powers are required. No cheating and calling OR texting Mama Cleo.


11. I like to make weird noises at random times for fun.


12. I like to talk in different voices for different situations.


13. I'm on the pathway to becoming a crazy cat lady. I basically have a different language and voice that I use with only my cats. I have two. They both have middle names.


14. I have eczema and allergies. Quite the combo pack. Almost as sexy and romantic as a heart murmur and swine flu.
15. I'm really good at spending money and creating debt.
16. I think almost everything's funny and not much is too soon or too offensive.
17. Main life objective: I strive to be bitchier every day.
18. My new years resolutions this year were to gain 10 pounds, to start drinking more, to learn the entire "Thriller" dance
19. This is me in 1997...