My Resume

OBJECTIVE:

Seeking a position in which I am underpaid and overqualified, preferably in the death field. Growing up, who didn't want to be a mortician? Marrying rich and becoming a trophy wife (not a mother) would be awesome too!

EDUCATION:

Doctorate (that means PhD) of Judgment from Judgment University '08

Majors: the Wave and Pangaea

Minors: Slow clap, Being Bitter, Sarcasm

EXPERIENCE:

Company: the Universe 0 BC - Present

Title: God

• Creating people
• Being God, obviously
• This is pretty self explanatory, I don't know why I have to explain this to you

Company: Mattel 1965 - 1999

Title :Barbie Doll

• Doctor
• Lawyer
• Veterinarian
• Babysitter
• Sister
• Princess
• Malibu Bikini
• Bride
• Roller Skating Waitress
  
• Mom
  
• Best Friend
• Shining Role Model
  

Company: My Head 1988 - Present

Title: Freelance Fashion Consultant

• Silently talked to myself about the horrific outfits people chose to wear
• Thought about ways in which their outfits might be made less ugly
• Never once felt remorse or regret for said judging
• Contemplated giving some lessons on colors that should not be worn together (I.e. red & green; black, grey, brown & navy blue)
• Worked with many high profile clients and celebrities (such as Courtney Love, Donald Trump, the entire cast of Deadliest Catch)
• Did some pro bono work too

SKILLS:

• Really amazing at practically everything you could possibly imagine
• Special certification in being really good at being modest
• Awesome at observing and noting ticks, phrases and gestures that individuals often use
• Super passive aggressive and therefore really good at leaving anonymous notes
• Recently learned how to shave the back half of my legs
• Unjamming staplers
• Working knowledge of over-reacting and over-analyzing

INTERESTS:

• Felines (preferably of the Domestic Variety)
• Chamber Music
• Diamonds
  
• Bruises
• Buying expensive things
• Taking pictures of strangers' mullets, mustaches and side burns
  
• Prime numbers