Back handed compliments I wish I had the nerve to say to people

I've never understood people who have this innate ability to deliver back handed compliments. Certain types of people possess this magical skill. Unfortunately, I am not one of those. They have this natural ability to say something to you in such a nice way that it sounds like a compliment to you and all witnesses. Then out of nowhere, weeks, days, minutes, hours or seconds - it hits you. It wasn't really a compliment. They insulted you in the process of the compliment. People that have this power fascinate me and irritate me all at the same time. I'm not sure if it's the delivery or the wording or the personality of the person, but clearly I don't have any of that. Mine just come out as insults. See my attempts below:

• "Your lack of social cues is a refreshing look into what it's like to be extraordinarily awkward!"
• "I think your complaints really take away from the office atmosphere. Congrats!"
• "I like how you take things out on other people when you’re stressed out."
• "You’re really good at thinking you’re smarter than everyone."
• "No offense, but your unibrow makes everything you say hysterical!!!"
• "I find it fascinating that you don’t really work at work, but rather, reassign things to other people. What I’m trying to say is… You’re really good at delegating."
• "I admire your ability to shamelessly kiss ass while simultaneously throwing others under the bus and appearing trustworthy."
• "Your laziness inspires me to work harder and makes me glad I’m not you."
• "I pretty much ignore you at all times. Everything that comes out of your mouth is redundant. But sure, let’s schedule a meeting because I know how much you like hearing the sound of your own voice repeating others' ideas that are beyond obvious to everyone in the room."