Things I'd like to do if I were in upper managment

One day I hope to rule the world in utter bitchiness. I'd love to be one of those people who can get away with sheer rudeness, sarcasm and being a straight up bitch. I think somewhere deep inside of me I have this ability. I've been known to get loud and quickly give people my honest, filterless completely bitchy thoughts and opinions... usually induced by vodka... or a really bad hang over. I say things like "...yeah, I don't really care," in response to someone's story that I'd normally be sympathizing with on the outside. I call people out when they "make excuses" for things and I'm generally very snappy when I'm in that state. A filterless state... where my inner monologue and my inner bitch get together in a vodka/hangover lovemaking session and reproduce a whole litter of uncontrolled bitchy, judgmental and rude comments out of my mouth at loud decibles.

Here are things that I hope to do and say if I ever get to a position of power, in corporate america:

• Interrupt people when they’re defending themselves against my filterlessness and say “Jeez, you don’t have to get defensive.”
• Whisper/sing “I saw your resume on Monster.com” or “I hear layoffs are happening” when I walk by people who should quit/leave (after I leave a few packing boxes and pamphlets for those career certificate schools on or around their desk/cube while they’re not there). Basically instill further job loss paranoia in those who are already paranoid, suck at their jobs and hate their jobs.
• Answer hypothetical questions and yes or no questions with “..if you still want a job tomorrow.”
• Constantly refer to my “crystal ball” and “time machine” – suggest that others use theirs more often.
• To be used with superiors only: “Not only does your speaking hurt my head and ears, it also wastes my time. Please file your suggestion/complaint in my suggestion box at your earliest convenience.”
• Use ? as much as possible in condescending e-mails to idiots. (i.e. No, you’re wrong. ? )
• “Fix it..” in as much of a valley girl voice as possible, as much as possible – dust off the air hand motion necessary
• Be as cryptic and sarcastic and crazy as possible as much as possible so that people fear me, but people who get it think I’m funny, but also sort of fear me
• Make open threats and let HR deal with the aftermath.
• Hold weekly what-not-to-wear meetings where I criticize the way one person in the office dresses, or particular fads or fashions that I deem unattractive and unacceptable.
• Open every meeting (and conference call) with “high five your neighbor.” Change that up every so often, to “3 minutes of handholding and uninterrupted eye contact with your neighbor” and the like.
• Distribute friend points and high fives when people are down. “You look stressed… here, have 38 high fives and 3400 friend points” - make sure all high fives are received. Demand high fives and friend points from others.
• Publish my snubster list on a giant white board. (So everyone knows who is On notice, and/or Dead to me.)
• Make awkward set up suggestions and give awful relationship advice. (i.e. suggest to the college intern that the recently divorced CEO wants to have a romantic lunch together, suggest the same to him, send roses for them to each other; insist that the office’s openly gay guy date the cat lady spinster, ignore any negative comments.
• Try to laugh as little as possible in public. When people laugh at mean things I say (that are actually jokes in my head) insist that nothing is funny about what was just said.
• Get caught eating other’s lunches and when they claim it’s theirs, thank them for making it, but insult it somehow, like “it could have used more mayo.”