even morer Kitties!!!

more KITTIES!

KITTIES!!

Life Plan

ME: Wanna fake our own deaths and move to somewhere tropical and become hippies with me? I'm beyond over it all.

EL: Yes I'm totally down

How will we die?

ME: Juicy affair with married politician or CEO gone sour?

Thelma and Louise style drive off bridge.  We'll plant spiders in the car so CSI will blame that and not think it's suicide [or a faked death.]

EL: That's perfect.  Everyone knows I'm deathly afraid they'll never suspect.

ME: Exactly! We can use my car, it already had a spider in it once, so it's tainted with spider DNA and seamen for the CSIs to find under blacklight to determine [cause of death.]

EL: I will start looking for identities to steal so we can purchase plane tickets for when we move to Cabo.

ME: Ok, I'll research good car diving bridges near sharks or gators and start working on removing molars or evidence to ID us as the victims of this spidercrime. 

EL: Perfect plan. Phase 1 starts now. 

more doods

self portrait dream studio

I keep having weird, vivid, chillingly realistic dreams. I decided to put a notepad next to my bed so that I could write them down and remember more of them.  Instead of writing down my dreams, I drew two pictures in the middle of the night - mid sleep, I guess.

One was actually a sketch of something in my dream. I dreamt I had this art studio - the drawing actually helped me remember this dream that I might have forgotten.  My art studio was huge, infinite ceiling, enormous amounts of storage space, tons of work space and every art supply anyone could think of.  Here's my mid-sleep/dream sketch of a piece of the ginormic studio:

I also drew a self portrait, I suspect.

monologue

cover illustration for the story of princess bonus

just some doodle faces

I brainstorm-daydream ways to end my life when conference rooms or offices don't have windows** that open.

**because hurling myself out the window would be the best option.
I could...

• Hang myself with a phone cord noose, computer cord noose, ethernet cord, paper clip string noose
• Smash my head through a desktop computer screen or projector
• Stab myself in the ears with my dull scissors
• Drink all of the liquid white out in the office, granted there's enough for a fatal dose
• Remove my eyeballs, nose and ears with my staple remover
• Break the communal candy bowl and swallow the glass shards
• Eat the food (let's call it the "recession special") in the fridge that no one throws away that was left there over a year ago by people who got laid off
• Utilizing the dirty George Foreman grill in the office kitchen to grill my head, or at least sustain enough 4th degree burns so that my life is over
• Remove the flowers from my associate's vase, then drown myself in the remaining flower water
  
• String an entire box of 100+ count paper clips, swallow it
• Lock myself in a giant metal cabinet until air runs out
  
Smash a lightbulb, resulting in either death by fire or enough shattered glass to slit some serious skin*
Eat one/several of the whiteboard markers (this is long, slow, and painful, but will eventually do the job)*
Staple myself to death*
Strangulation with any number of cords--internet, conf. call phone lines, battery--all works the same*
Asphyxiation via the bag in the trash can*
• Pouring water from my water bottle on my hand and proceeding to stick it in one of the outlets*

*by jherm

NOTE:I know there have to be things I could do with a rolling chair, but I can't wrap my mind around that yet - I always try to work that one out and end up with other crazy ideas from that. As of now, I'm thinking something along the lines of assisted suicide. Like having someone push me on a rolling executive chair into a wall at really high speeds repeatedly until death do us part.

this is not the time or place for illustrations but I won't rule it out.

Thank You Card to Rain & Humidity

Dear Humidity and Rain,

Thanks for coming to my party. I always love seeing you, feeling you around me and spending time with you, so I'm really glad you came.

Also, I wanted to thank you for the presents. The frizzy hair and dirt splashes on the back of my legs were exactly what I wanted. How did you know? It's almost as if you read my mind!

I really appreciate that you stuck around and didn't leave for a week and kept the sun away.

Thanks for bringing cold air with you! I totally would have invited him and thanked him if I had his address, so please thank him for coming for me next time you see him.


Thanks again!

Love always,
Bonnie

Things that should be allowed and appropriate in the office

1. Spiking [insert office object/supply of choice] and then doing the Heisman around your desk and or area when you've figured something out, finished a project or accomplished something
2. Elbow-dropping your boss when you disagree with him/her
   
3. Haymakers
   
4. Starting the slow clap when people who are always late arrive to work
5. Setting up booby traps for people who feel the need to speed walk around the office all day to look important
   
6. Making jokes that aren't "p.c." or are "offensive towards specific groups"
   
7. Sexual harassment
   
8. Randomly blurting out "Woo!"
9. Distributing high fives and friend points
10. Voting people off the island (out of the office and their job) based on majority votes (votes can be based on likeability, personal reasons, skill, how good people are at their jobs, attractiveness, how they dress)
11. Taking naps
12. Slapping

...more to come

Thoughts for today...

Lazy Sunday.  I feel that my thoughts for today would best be expressed in the form of a collage. 

I've decided what I want to call my book...

of short stories and vignettes that I'm probably never going to write....

"Blatant Lies, Facts & Embellishments: Short Stories & Things I Made Up To Entertain Myself & Others" (Non-Fiction)

On being single... and positive (but not the HIV kind)

I'm channeling my inner Carrie Bradshaw: Why is it that the more single and more desperate you are, the more other couples flourish and appear, making it impossible for you to not be alone?

Whenever I'm single it always seems to be that no one else is.  Whenever I'm my most needy is when all of my friends are happily in serious relationships and don't have time to help me find one of my own.  It's hard to not be single when you don't know any singles.  It always happens that way.  And then all you can see is relationship happiness around you, and couples everywhere, even if you're just trying to enjoy something on your own.

Take today for example.  I woke up after a lovely night of planned self pity and wallowing (that almost didn't happen due to lack of tear-jerking material on Lifetime and HBO On Demand), fully intending to continue that self-loathing through the beautiful sunny day in sweatpants in my dark room, watching re-runs of shows I've already seen more than once - torture and punishment for whatever is wrong with me or whatever I did to make him not call me.  

My amazing morning wallow was ruined by one of my cats (yeah, I know, how cliche, single girl with cats) who decided she wanted to sit on the window sill.  The beam from the opening curtains hit me perfectly in the eyeballs in the way that forced an involuntary raise of my cheekbones to aid in a squint that could be mistaken for a smile.  All of that accidental movement made me realize that I should probably stop punishing my cats and feed them, and that maybe a shower would do me some good.  

I followed the cats down the stairs into the kitchen and couldn't help but get excited about the sunshine that was everywhere.  The weather had been so miserable the past few days - so much rain, fog and yuck, that I'd forgotten how uplifting sunshine is, and what it was.  So I fed my cats and soaked up the sun, sticking to my diet of water and coffee that I had invented in my previous night's wallow, thinking about how to best continue my wallow, whilst also getting some sunlight (because tanned skin makes you look 10 pounds skinnier).  

My first idea was shopping outside somewhere - perhaps the outlets, perhaps Newbury St. or Harvard Square. (Nothing is more masochistic and self-loathing than shopping when you're $10,000+ in credit card debt. You buy things you shouldn't buy, that you can't afford knowing how mad you're going to make yourself later. Or even better, your credit card gets declined.) I scratched that because I pretty much do that every day anyways, and I really am trying to get out of debt - and I need to save the room left on my credit card for essential things like gasoline for my car, parking money for work and water and coffee for nourishment.  I also thought about just walking around those areas, but knowing me, I'd have to spend money on something.

I looked through my text messages, brainstorming who I could invite to a free pity party, and realized that I was out of luck.  Everyone I'd want to share my current bitter mood with (who might sort of appreciate it) was busy or out of town.  But while I was looking through my phone's inbox, I saw a message from my friend that reminded me of a conversation we'd had the night before.  We were talking about optimism and positivity and how you get things that  you never doubt.  Both being extremely bitter pessimists with low expectations, we had discussed how this would be really hard for both of us, but it'd be worth a shot in terms of our love lives, because, let's face it, we've tried EVERYTHING else. 

Trying to learn from that talk, and entertain myself, I decided I was going to take myself out on a date.  I deserved it after all.  I would shower, dress up nice and drive myself (through Cape traffic - I have to keep a little bit of my masochism) to the beach and enjoy the weather, possibly take some nice photographs.  It didn't take me a long time to get ready, and I looked cute because there was to be no doubt in my mind that I would run into the man of my dreams at the beach on this nice Saturday afternoon.  

I enjoyed my drive there, as I always do.  The only thing better than screaming to awesome music by yourself in your car (and serenading strangers in traffic) when it's sunny and warm out, is screaming to awesome music with someone else in a car (and serenading strangers in traffic).  I definitely won the traffic karaoke contest with my rendition of "Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover" by Sophie B. Hawkins.  It was a beautiful drive.

Things were looking up and I was definitely in a better mood - minus the few close calls.  I almost cried twice due to the songs shuffle selected for me to listen to.  Lame, I know.  Let me explain: "I Will Come To You" by Hanson and "I'm Still By/On (?) Your Side" by BBMAK.  But really, it was a good ride and my spirits were lifted.  

By the time I arrived to the beach I could actually breathe, which I hadn't been able to do in a few days.  Maybe it was the fresh ocean air, maybe it was all the karaoke on the way there, maybe it was that I found a free parking spot and at least a few things were working out for me.  I got out of my car and went to the beach.  I clearly didn't plan or have a towel or a bathing suit because it was around 2 or 3 in the afternoon, but I hadn't been to the ocean in almost a year and I needed it. 

The beach was surprisingly crowded.  It's not summer vacation for schools yet and it's colder at the beach, maybe 70 at the highest - it was actually pretty chilly.  Who goes to the beach on days like that? (Besides me?) I'll tell you. COUPLES. Couples go to the beach. Couples cover every inch of good tide-coming-in sand.  I tried not to let it get to me and I tried to maintain a positive outlook while trying to find a spot to sit.  I really did.  I even tried smiling at some of the couples. I did.  (In the way that you smile at old people or really fat people or really ugly people.  I think I did it so that they wouldn't do it to me first.  I didn't want the single pity smile from all the couples.)

I found myself a spot on a rock and I sat and I started taking pictures of the ocean and skyline and boats and jetty, careful not to include any frolicking or canoodling couples in my masterpieces.  I tried to meditate a little and center myself, so I closed my eyes and did some yoga breathing.  I opened my eyes to find a hot couple, in their late 20s with two adorable children, one boy and one girl, both under 4, starting to set up their day camp on the rocks next to me.  I couldn't help but smile at the adorable little wobbling boy in his too-big Red Sox hat.  His hot mom and dad both pity smiled me and started a pity conversation with me.  I immediately made up a story about how I had to go meet by boyfriend so that I could escape.  

I decided I would walk around the cute beach town and see if there were any good things for me to snap pictures of.  There weren't.  Only cute, hand-holding couples.  I started to get dizzy, from only drinking coffee and water all day.  So I decided it was time to emotionally eat and say F you to my coffee/water diet.  I chose a little beachside stand that I had gone to before - I remembered that they had amazing clam strips (I hate the ones with the bellies).  I perused the menu while waiting in line to order.  I contemplated the Clam Strips Plate, because fatty likes fried french fries with her fried clams.  But that's an order I need to share with someone because I don't weigh 300 pounds and I think it'd be physically impossible for me to eat that much.  So I settled on a clam strips roll (which was also too much food for one person) and a diet coke.  

When number 54 was called, I got my massive cardboard basket lined with wax paper, filled with strips atop a hot dog roll. I shuffled on over to the picnic bench area to stuff my face.  The only open picnic bench is one made for a family of 10, but I sat at in anyways, facing the beach.  All the normal sized ones were filled with couples.  I stared at the beach while I ate as much as I could of the strips.  They were delicious.  Way better than a boyfriend. Way better than the couple making out at and on the table next to me.  Better than the romantic wedding I saw on the harbor on my drive home.  Better Than Ezra. 

I'm really glad today happened. I'm glad I'm focusing on the positive now.  Today made me realize that I'm lucky. I really am. I went on an awesome date to the beach.  My date paid for an amazing meal at a scenic restaurant. I'm lucky and glad that all my efforts to distract myself from loneliness end up accentuating it. But I'm OPTIMISTIC and POSITIVE that it's going to change soon.  I have no doubt in my mind about that.  (That wasn't meant to be sarcastic - I know it's confusing when I say nice/happy/positive things and mean them.)

People Fascinate Me: Exhibit A

...so I'm at the gym. I'm sitting at my stationary bicycle station. Headphones in. My iPod on the loudest volume possible. I have my water in the water bottle holder and I have my book (a collection of short stories by Neil Gaiman, the guy who wrote Coraline) on the little ledge of the screen. I also have 4 screens of TV in front and above me with four different shows playing. Clearly, I intend to have myself set up for as much distraction as possible. I switch back and forth between changing songs, watching TV and reading a short story.

20 minutes into my cyclation, listening to "Mouth" - by Bush - a pretty motivating gym song, this crazy-haired Asian guy sits at the bike directly next to me (even though there is a line of 9 empty bikes in a row - all perfectly functional). It's obvious to me, but not so much to him, that whoever sat at that bike before him was much short than him, as he is way too close to the screen and his knees hit the handles as he spins. I can see his routine out of the corner of my eye. He keeps turning his head directly to look at me, after which he races, spinning top speed for about 30 seconds, then he claps, and possibly cheers (I can't hear because of my headphones, but his mouth is definitely moving).

After a few of these cycles he leans closer to me during his head-turn-and-stare-at-me step, and he taps me on the shoulder and says something. He makes a face like he's looking for a response. I take out one headphone and make the most pissed off face possible and say "Pardon?" as rude and perturbed sounding as I can possibly utter. "Can I check out your book?" he screams. At this point, I notice everyone in the gym with and without headphones is staring at us, leading me to the conclusion that he's been asking me this for a while, and keeps getting louder. "Sure."

I put my headphones back in and see him flip through and read my book while rocking himself in the bike and laughing hysterically from the corner of my eye. He puts the book back on the ledge and I assume he's just saying thanks so I don't take my headphones off again. I smile politely and then draw my eyes to the TVs, hoping he'll go away. Another tap on my arm. Angrily and violently I take one earbud out and turn violently. "DO YOU LIKE MAGIC?!!!" he screams at me. I calmly turn my head, put the earbud back in and continue ignoring him for another 15 minutes of bike ride before he leaves for another machine or victim, trying desperately not to laugh until after he leaves.

Memorial Day Holiday Family Card

Oswald Caleb (3.5 months) and Starr Mia (1.33 years)

On a scale from 1 to I-want-to-eat-their-faces.... how cute are my babies?

A few of my favorite things

(Please sing and/or read this to the tune of the song from Sound of Music)

Cars that make complete stops before taking right hand turns
Perfumes that smell so bad they make your nose burn
Pink eye and dirty dishes left in the sink
Homeless men next to me on the train that stink
Car accidents,traffic, pimples and glass chards
Bad breath and high interest rates on all store credit cards

When I get paid
When I get laid
When I'm on vacation
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad

Debt, student loans, vaccinations, death and rejection
Pregnancy scares, redunancy, depression and the recession
Questions that are asked when the answer is obvious
Open mouth chewers, STDs and getting hit by a bus

When I get paid
When I get laid
When I'm on vacation
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad

9/11, tsunamis, hurricane katrina, both Swine and Bird Flu
Commuting, religion, holy rollers and sitting on mysterious goo
Going to funerals,broken cell phones and getting cheated on
Computer viruses, getting mugged, lay offs and allergic reaction

When I get paid
When I get laid
When I'm on vacation
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad

Days of the Week: A Revolution

The names of the seven days of the week are completely obscure and difficult for the average person to relate to. Why not change them to inspire behavior in people and give them something they can get? Try the following list on for size, and see if it wouldn't change your days if you knew they had names like this:

Moonday: A fun and flighty start to the week.
Shoesday: Break out some brand new kicks. Or appreciate the ones you have. Or tell stories about the old woman who lived in a giant ass shoe with her kids.
Friendsday: Go out for a drink with your friends! Or, alternately, feel bad if you have none.
Curseday: There has to be at least one evil sounding day. We don't live in a world of constant sunshine and roses, so it's only fair that one day be devoted to the curses out there.
Tryday: To pick the spirits back up after Curseday. Try something. Anything at all.
Caturday: Appreciate the cat ladies in your life.
Sunday: Cuz this one already makes sense.

Wouldn't you rather wake up with a clear agenda and meaning? Help me help you and let's get this days of the week thing squared away!

On Dove Chocolates...

I hate those stupid Dove heart shaped chocolates that have inspirational sayings on them like "Every day is a blessing" and "Cherish the ones you love" and "You're beautiful inside and out." The candies themselves are delicious. But I can't bring myself to buy them, because I know that the positive message is going to ruin the taste of the chocolate for me and probably ruin my day.

I suggest they come up with some alternative packaging for those of us who are less optimistic. A lot of people dislike cheesey sayings and inspirational quotes. Here are my suggestions for a new line of messages inside the wrappers:

• This will go straight to your ass.
• Keep eating fatty.
• Chocolate does not make up for the fact that he left you.
• Everybody dies.
• Caught in the act... emotional eater.
• S my D
• No one cares about your problems.
• Deal with it.
• Good thing you skipped the gym today.
• Need a tissue?
• Pipe down.
• Sir, do not get loud.
• Always eating.
• Stop lying to yourself.
• Save up.
• The only thing a know-it-all doesn't know, is that no one likes them.
• You're probably the Karen (the friend that nobody likes).
• People in hell want ice water.
• Keep pretending that things could be worse.

I think some sarcastic silver linings could also be included in this too.

...more to be added later

"I'm in love with a hobo (remix)" by Rihanna feat. Kanye West

December 1, 2008
What can I say. I attract homeless people and then weird things happen. Incident #4….

‘Twas early morning today on the train. I get on said train, there's this homeless man (weird - that rarely happens) sitting in between two empty seats (I've learned that when others are standing in the train and not sitting or standing near him - this is a bad omen, and they should not be sat in) so I moved down the isle and I sniffed it out - not smelly so I stood in his general region because that’s where there was room, but on the other side. I quickly turned to face away from him after he started pointing at me, addressing me (or discussing me, sort of, I think) to his imaginary friends on both sides of him (in the empty seats). "She's a beauty huh? Isn't she lovely. Yeah, I know, that's what I said." I turn around (I assume he was talking about me since I was the only female on the car and he was pointing at me initially) to face away from him. "What I wouldn't do for a girl like her." Before I could contemplate the benefits of him as my boyfriend, he starts getting creepy multiple voices. Turn on? Turn off? "Shhhhh" he says to himself in an evil tone "I know. I know. I need to be quiet, I'm trying. I really am" in this like sweet totally forgivable ex-addict voice. It was like this with at least 3 voices that I could decipher back and forth for a while. Then he (they?) started talking about the "beautiful girl" again. "Look at her. What I wouldn't do for a girl like her." (it got Gollum/Schmiegel [apologies, that’s a Lord of the Ring reference, I know you’re not as big of a nerd as me… but think of the commercials and the creepy guy with “my precious” or just google it] in that minute and SOOOO CREEPY)

"I'd kill for her..." (sweet voice)
"I've done it before and I'd do it again." (creepy voice - very quick, almost yelling)
"I know. Quiet. I'm trying. You're a nice man. So good to me." (soothing, almost kid-like voice)
“I’ll fucking kill him I will. Kill him. Kill.” (fast yelling scratchy creepy voice)

I'll do an impression for you later. I think you get the picture. It got creepier. I turned my headphones up so I didn't giggle and piss him off. He went into detail about various killings and sexualized them pretty well. I tried to start slow clap when he got off the train but no one else seemed to be phased. It was awesome. Silly man.I can't wait to get old and ride public transportation all day pretending I'm crazy and senile, freaking people out.

Professional Homeless/Crazy Magnet
Homeless Date Hotline: 1 800 NOHOUSENOPROB
Jdate username: Yourcardbordboxormine

Conference Call Phrases

• "Hi, who joined?"


• "Are we waiting on anyone else?"


• "Is everyone/anyone from [insert company or department name or location] on?"


• "Is [insert person's name] joining the call today?"


• "Let's talk about this off line"


• "Does anyone have anything else to discuss"


• "...I guess we can get started."


• “Are you still with us [Name]?”


• "Does everyone hear that echo? Oh it's gone. No it's back again. How do we get rid of that echo?"


• "Can everyone please mute their lines when you're not speaking?"


• "I think [Name] dropped off."


• “I forgot she was here!”


• "[Name] can't join today, (s)he has a conflict"


• "Should we wait for [Name]?"


• “Alright, we’re all set”


• "Are you on speaker“I just need to dial [Name] in”


• “I know you can’t see it, but we will send you the spreadsheet electronically”


• “Okay, let’s roundtable”


• "[Name], can you speak up please, it's hard to hear you."


• "I don't have it in front of me..."


• "Let me open up that file and take a look"


• "I don't see that e-mail, can you forward it to me"
• "Are you on speaker?"


• "We can get started... [Name] is finishing up on another call and will be joining shortly."


• "[Name], will you be attending these calls going forward? Ok, I'll add you on and send you the invite."

This list was compiled by E.L. and B.O. in October of the year 2008.

Why Fast Food Friday isn't as good of an idea as it sounds...

• We won't even be able to eat dinner, that's how much food we ate, and how full we are.
• We're all going to get fat.
• We eat too much, and then get sleepy.
• There are no pillows and blankets or sleeping bags in the office. Jeans friday does not = sweatpants friday, and elastic wastebands are necessary for that amount of consumption.
• The closest KFC is in a sketchy neighborhood, and getting lost/mugged is inevitable.
• We still have to do work afterwards.
• We all swear off fast food for at least 2 years after we finish, but it still seems like a good idea by the time the next Friday rolls around.
• It's hard to get rid of the giggles (and they hurt) when your belly is full of crispy chicken, mashies, cole slaw, mac & cheese and fountain sodes.
• Office bathroom is not your home bathroom.

my list from 10/17/2008

My Personal Ad

Reasons any guy would want to date me:

1. I'm partial to the smell of skin that's been in the sun (or in a tanning bed). Basically, what I'm trying to say is that I enjoy the smell of burning skin, or skin cancer, the choice is yours.
   
2. I'm super judgemental. ...Nice face by the way.
3. I rarely shave the top half of my legs. I see no point. I have blonde hair. It's soft. Not like golden retreiver soft, that'd be gross. Like almost shaved skin soft.


4. My hair never looks good when I wake up. People are usually shocked by it and like to point it out when they see it. I'm used to it. It's a given. I just don't have that magical power to wake up looking good.


5. I get sick of people very easily.


6. I drool when I sleep well. Not just a little drool. We're talking puddles. Like I have to turn the pillow over if I wake up. The bigger the puddle, the better the nap, the deeper the sleep(er).


7. I get filterless and verbally combative when I drink vodka or if I am really hungover.


8. I've always wanted to do a snot rocket, but have never been successful. My one and only attempt was more like a snot firework-that-didn't-go-off-right rather than a rocket.


9. I love telling lies. I love having secrets and getting away with it.


10. I don't show or tell feelings or emotions. Crystal ball and psychic powers are required. No cheating and calling OR texting Mama Cleo.


11. I like to make weird noises at random times for fun.


12. I like to talk in different voices for different situations.


13. I'm on the pathway to becoming a crazy cat lady. I basically have a different language and voice that I use with only my cats. I have two. They both have middle names.


14. I have eczema and allergies. Quite the combo pack. Almost as sexy and romantic as a heart murmur and swine flu.
15. I'm really good at spending money and creating debt.
16. I think almost everything's funny and not much is too soon or too offensive.
17. Main life objective: I strive to be bitchier every day.
18. My new years resolutions this year were to gain 10 pounds, to start drinking more, to learn the entire "Thriller" dance
19. This is me in 1997...

13 reasons why everyone wants to boink* me this morning**

13 reasons why everyone wants to boink* me this morning**

1. my hair is gross and frizzy (poof) with chunks of dried hairspray on it because i couldn't get my hairspray to properly spray this morning.
   
2. my forehead is exposed.... ew
   
3. I tried to over compensate for today's ugliness by over-doing it with the bronzer, so I most likely have a brown ring somewhere
4. Also, some pixie must have been playing with my bronzer brush because my face is all sparkly with magic fairy dust today and my bronzer does not have shimmer
   
5. i have at least one pimple between my eyebrows and three little white heads under one nostril
6. I have razor burn and rug burn on my knees
7. i didn't shave any more on my legs between yesterday and today
8. I SMELL LIKE SULFUR
9. Parts of my skin are dyed a radioactive shade of yellow
10. i'm wearing a skirt that makes me look hippy and frumpy and falls down awkwardly to ruin the appearance of my shirt and sweater.
11. there are hairspray stains on my shirt from the mishap with the hairspray
    
12. My eyes watered from the wind on the walk from the lot to summer st. and into my building, so i likely have streaks of mascara everywhere on my face that i won't notice until 6pm.
    
13. I'm the palest I've been in 5 years (except my face, because, if you recall from earlier in the list, I put on too much bronzer to over-compensate my ugliness today)

* considered alternatives to boink:

1. bam bam
2. slam
3. sleep with
4. ravage
5. procreate with
   
6. poke
7. hump
8. sex
9. do the "humpty hump" with
10. fornicate
11. lick
12. air jordan
13. roscoe
14. impregnate

**this was an e-mail I sent out 4/29/2009 - I wanted to publish it and save it forever and ever and ever

Plans

Since I don't technically have "disposable income" and I can't really "afford" anything, including living on my own, I've decided I need to come up with a plan... a plan to either make money, or get rid of bills.

Ideas:

1. Fake my own death/assassination in a dramatic way so that I don't have to pay my student loans and I can bank off of my diary/gmail conversations that a friend (who is in on my death faking) will publish and sell the rights to make a dramatic and/or Lifetime movie about.
   
2. Put an add on craigslist to see if anyone wants to volunteer to pay off my credit card debt and/or student loans... mainly student loans.
   
3. Find some old man who wants to sponsor my lifestyle (pretty much the same as item #2, but this requires an affair or relationship and implies more presents and vacations and not just a stranger who feels bad for me).
4. Cure cancer (on the side, like less than part time).
   
5. ...

more to come

Letter to Users of the word "Journey"

Dear Users of the word "Journey,"

Kindly die.
No one cares how WONDERFUL it is that your "LIFE is like a JOURNEY".
Wow, never heard that one before. You're original. I bet you're the first one to say that.
Stop it. Really.
"It's not the destination, it's the journey."
No one wants to "share" any "journey" with you reality dating show stars. You're the only one who is glad that now you "can start the next chapter" of your life.
I wish there were a more cliche way for me to state how much hatred I have for you.
No matter how much you want it to be, your life isn't a romantic comedy. Fiction. False. Lies.
Please end your life. No next chapter. No epilogue even.

Love,
Me

Dear Onions,
I don't like you. I never have, and I probably never will (except for in fried ring and artificial form).
I don't understand why people put you in food. You are ugly. You get slimy when cooked. You make breath smell bad. You overpower other flavors and ruin things. You're a ruiner.
You're a disgrace to vegetables.
Die.
Love,
PP

Fantasy Reality Show Idea

So guys have Fantasy Teams for sports... why can't there be fantasy teams for reality tv watching?

Fantasy Reality Show Teams.... make it happen.

I want to do it. It'd make watching trashy TV way more fun. I don't know exactly how to make this work... but maybe...each reality show is an actual team in real life, like a football team. And we can pick "players" or contestants from the show, like Daisy from RoL2, or Greg from the Pickup Artist, one of the girls from the Bachelor, or one of the guys from the Bachelorette. I don't know how points and things would work (maybe make outs and certain dramas can be points, and obviously winning challenges and not getting voted off), but I think it'll take a lot of planning because the shows have to be current, and the reality shows have to involve being voted off.

Here are some ideas of shows I'd like to include
vh1 shows:

• Rock of Love
  
• Daisy of Love
• Pick Up Artist

mtv:

• rw/rr challenge
• Real World
  
• Paris Hilton's my new BFF (or whatever's on like that Bromance, etc.)
  

network tv:

• Survivor
• Big Brother
• Amazing Race
• the Mole
• American Idol
• Dancing with the Stars
• So you think you can dance
• ANTM

Other:

• Design Star
• Project Runway

Shows I'd like to include, but wouldn't know how it would work (but I'm thinking something along the lines of guessing what's going to happen based on the previews):

• the Hills
• Keeping up with the Kardashians
• Living Lohan
• Intervention
• Cheaters
• Wifeswap
• Millionaire Match Maker
• Flipping Out
• What Not To Wear
• J&K + 8
• Next

Words/Phrases to Bring BacK

• Drats
• Psyche!
• Score! [hand motion]
• Holy smokes
• Dungarees
• Slacks
• Pocketbook
• Swell
• Nuts!
• Bomb diggity/Da bomb
• 
  

....more to be added at a later time

My Resume

OBJECTIVE:

Seeking a position in which I am underpaid and overqualified, preferably in the death field. Growing up, who didn't want to be a mortician? Marrying rich and becoming a trophy wife (not a mother) would be awesome too!

EDUCATION:

Doctorate (that means PhD) of Judgment from Judgment University '08

Majors: the Wave and Pangaea

Minors: Slow clap, Being Bitter, Sarcasm

EXPERIENCE:

Company: the Universe 0 BC - Present

Title: God

• Creating people
• Being God, obviously
• This is pretty self explanatory, I don't know why I have to explain this to you

Company: Mattel 1965 - 1999

Title :Barbie Doll

• Doctor
• Lawyer
• Veterinarian
• Babysitter
• Sister
• Princess
• Malibu Bikini
• Bride
• Roller Skating Waitress
  
• Mom
  
• Best Friend
• Shining Role Model
  

Company: My Head 1988 - Present

Title: Freelance Fashion Consultant

• Silently talked to myself about the horrific outfits people chose to wear
• Thought about ways in which their outfits might be made less ugly
• Never once felt remorse or regret for said judging
• Contemplated giving some lessons on colors that should not be worn together (I.e. red & green; black, grey, brown & navy blue)
• Worked with many high profile clients and celebrities (such as Courtney Love, Donald Trump, the entire cast of Deadliest Catch)
• Did some pro bono work too

SKILLS:

• Really amazing at practically everything you could possibly imagine
• Special certification in being really good at being modest
• Awesome at observing and noting ticks, phrases and gestures that individuals often use
• Super passive aggressive and therefore really good at leaving anonymous notes
• Recently learned how to shave the back half of my legs
• Unjamming staplers
• Working knowledge of over-reacting and over-analyzing

INTERESTS:

• Felines (preferably of the Domestic Variety)
• Chamber Music
• Diamonds
  
• Bruises
• Buying expensive things
• Taking pictures of strangers' mullets, mustaches and side burns
  
• Prime numbers

Unexpected Phlegm Inducing Food Products

1. Skittles
   
2. M&Ms
3. Cadbury Mini Eggs
4. Sprite
5. Flavored iced coffee from DD
6. Anything with coconut in it
7. Cornish hen (...just kidding I don't even know what that is really.)
   

Icebreaker

Who would you want to play you in the Lifetime movie of your life [fill in juicy story here (i.e. that tragically ended when you were assassinated via shark attack because you had dirt on the politician you were having an affair with so that he would pay your student loans and credit card debt, but it's okay because you faked your own death, but lifetime doesn't know that)]?

SUBQUESTION: What would the title of this movie be?

10 Things I Hate About ABC Family

1. 10 things remake (http://www.shineon-media.com/2009/05/08/10-things-i-hate-about-you-first-look/)
2. They cancelled Kyle XY - how am I supposed to stay updated on the Traeger family?
   
3. Kyle XY finale ended without a proper ending
4. Lack of Christmas Claymation Movies on during the summer months
5. "American Teenager" show where the high school chick is preggers = RELIGIOUS PROPAGANDA
6. I'll blame them for ABC's cancellation of my other favorite show: Pushing Daisies.
7. They didn't have a highly publicized showing of 1970s classic claymation tale: "The Easter Bunny is Comin' To Town" this easter/passover season
8. Lack of Jewish holiday claymation movies... goys.
   
9. Same full-house re-runs - always when Michelles are 1 - 2.
   
10. they DONT make me feel like FAMILY when I watch anymore... because I don't watch anymore... because of the above reasons

Muffinfaces

Because I usually want more than one.

What's the proper way to pluralize the cookie/candy treat that we so lovingly refer to as "Twix"?

Possibilities:

• Twixi (like alumni)
  
• Twix (as in deer)
• Twex (sort of like mouse and mice, but not really)
• Twices (like matrix/matrices)
• Twixs/Twixes - sounds wrong
  

S my D CIS professor

I found this e-mail that I wrote a while ago and it made me laugh...

I know you're prolly super busy, but I'm in need of a tangent and distraction. I need loud noise hour back in my life, and I could use a little more pessimism, negativity and overall judgment in my lifestyle.

Rember* CIS class, and all the stupid things we thought we'd never need to use again?

Yeah, I'm using them pretty much daily... things like IF statements and VLOOKUPs, and starting to contemplate the uselessness of much of my education that I'll begin paying for shortly.

Dear Professor of Computer Information Systems,

I used to sleep through your class because you have a monotone voice. Apparently your lectures subconsciously entered my brain.

Check out the nested if statement below and proceed to suck it.

=IF(H4<=5,"5 or less days",IF(H4<=10,"10-15 days", IF(H4<=15,"11-15 days", IF(H4<=20,"16 - 20 Days",IF(H4<=25,"21 - 25 days","25 days or more")))))

Thanks for the C-! That was really helpful and didn't hurt my GPA or fun at all. I'm glad frat boys and athletes got As in your class because they had your exams and excuses to skip classes.

Regards,
Pessimistic D. Penelope
CIS MASTER

P.S. You look like a frog and everyone in my class thought you were a spy. Enjoy your spaghetti. I will be willing to accept a refund in the amount of $40,000 for the time I wasted in your classroom (this is a fairly reasonable rate considering inflation, tuition, interest, and the current state of the economy.

*yes, I spelled it like this on purpose, it's going to be added to the list

Activities I miss from Elementary School

1. Acrostics
2. Logic problems
3. Venn diagrams
4. Diaramas (sp?)
5. Recess (kickball, 4 square, sitting on the wall if you didn't do your homework or if you got caught standing on the swings by the recess teachers)
   
6. Open circle
7. Getting home before 3pm
8. Getting positive and encouraging stickers
9. Cubbies
10. Name tags
11. Recorder lessons (hot cross buns)

Woulda coulda shoulda been a(n):

• Ballerina
• Cheerleader
  
• Gymnast
• Olympic Athlete
• "Smart" person
  
• Rodeo Clown
• Musician (preferably a pianist or flutist - because they're both fun to say)
  
• Singer/songwriter
  
• Professional Chess Player (think Bobby Fischer)
• Acrobat
• Butter Cream Frosted Cupcake
  
• Cookie
• Cookie Monster
• Puppet
• Race Car Driver
• Stunt double
  
• Stunt double for ...Mr. T
• Mr. T
• Auto Mechanic
• Car Salesman
• Politician
• Hippie
• Siamese Twin
• Plastic surgeon
• Atmosphere
• Galaxy
• Ratio
• Rainbow
• Computer
• Post it note
• Glue
  

Mandatory Interview Questions

• What do you want your last meal to be?
• If you could have a super power what would it be?
• If you could choose a talent or skill to be given (something you can't do) what would you want it to be?
• If you could go to any concert (the band or person no longer has to be alive or together) what would it be?
• What do you have inside your fridge?
• If you were a god, what would you do to the world?
• If you could major in anything else besides what you majored in, what would it be and why?
• Which reality TV show would you be on and why?
• What's the most annoying trait in a roommate?
• What's your biggest pet peeve?
• If you could live in any decade in the 1900's, which would it be and why?
• What is your biggest irrational fear (rational fear = car accident; biggest irrational fear = beetles)?
• Who would you dress up as if I threw a Dead Celebrity's Party and why?
• What was the best/worst present you ever received?
• What/where would your dream house be?
• If you could meet one celebrity that is still living, who would it be and why?
• If you could learn the truth to one unsolved mystery, what would it be and why?

On Weather...

Dear Weather,
I'm writing to inquire as to why you are only nice and sunny while I'm working. Are you mad at me? Did I forget your birthday? Our anniversary? Why are you withholding? You're making it really hard to get tan and happy.
What did I ever do to you?
Can you please make it sunny some weekend soon? If you do, I'll wear your favorite bikini! ;)
Too much rain on the weekends recently. Stop crying. Suck it up. Grow up. Suck it up and DEAL WITH IT... and provide me with some sunshine please. And if you could make the sun stay out past 6pm, that would be great.
Thanks,
PP

Ode to technology

Technology is great. Phenomenal even. It makes life easier.
Yeah, we're reliant on it and can't function without it. Etc. Whatever. Deal with it. Grow up. Go live on a commune island and wear dread locks and eat bamboo and raw food, we don't like you either.

Why can't it make live even easier-er?

Wireless internet - this works.... Why can't everything be wireless then? Can someone please make it happen? No one likes cords. They get tangled. People trip on them. They get pulled out accidentally (that's what she said?). Cords ruin lives. Someone fix it. Make them all wireless. Save the environment? Damn the man, save the empire.

Dear Cords,
Go away. I don't need you. I no longer want to be tangled in you. I've had it. I don't want to untangle your knots anymore. I know this is sudden, but I think we need to go separate ways. No, I don't want to just take a break. Breaks are just away to delay the inevitable break up. It's over. Don't call me. Don't text me. We're through.
Love Always,
Everything you're plugged into.

Things I'd like to do if I were in upper managment

One day I hope to rule the world in utter bitchiness. I'd love to be one of those people who can get away with sheer rudeness, sarcasm and being a straight up bitch. I think somewhere deep inside of me I have this ability. I've been known to get loud and quickly give people my honest, filterless completely bitchy thoughts and opinions... usually induced by vodka... or a really bad hang over. I say things like "...yeah, I don't really care," in response to someone's story that I'd normally be sympathizing with on the outside. I call people out when they "make excuses" for things and I'm generally very snappy when I'm in that state. A filterless state... where my inner monologue and my inner bitch get together in a vodka/hangover lovemaking session and reproduce a whole litter of uncontrolled bitchy, judgmental and rude comments out of my mouth at loud decibles.

Here are things that I hope to do and say if I ever get to a position of power, in corporate america:

• Interrupt people when they’re defending themselves against my filterlessness and say “Jeez, you don’t have to get defensive.”
• Whisper/sing “I saw your resume on Monster.com” or “I hear layoffs are happening” when I walk by people who should quit/leave (after I leave a few packing boxes and pamphlets for those career certificate schools on or around their desk/cube while they’re not there). Basically instill further job loss paranoia in those who are already paranoid, suck at their jobs and hate their jobs.
• Answer hypothetical questions and yes or no questions with “..if you still want a job tomorrow.”
• Constantly refer to my “crystal ball” and “time machine” – suggest that others use theirs more often.
• To be used with superiors only: “Not only does your speaking hurt my head and ears, it also wastes my time. Please file your suggestion/complaint in my suggestion box at your earliest convenience.”
• Use ? as much as possible in condescending e-mails to idiots. (i.e. No, you’re wrong. ? )
• “Fix it..” in as much of a valley girl voice as possible, as much as possible – dust off the air hand motion necessary
• Be as cryptic and sarcastic and crazy as possible as much as possible so that people fear me, but people who get it think I’m funny, but also sort of fear me
• Make open threats and let HR deal with the aftermath.
• Hold weekly what-not-to-wear meetings where I criticize the way one person in the office dresses, or particular fads or fashions that I deem unattractive and unacceptable.
• Open every meeting (and conference call) with “high five your neighbor.” Change that up every so often, to “3 minutes of handholding and uninterrupted eye contact with your neighbor” and the like.
• Distribute friend points and high fives when people are down. “You look stressed… here, have 38 high fives and 3400 friend points” - make sure all high fives are received. Demand high fives and friend points from others.
• Publish my snubster list on a giant white board. (So everyone knows who is On notice, and/or Dead to me.)
• Make awkward set up suggestions and give awful relationship advice. (i.e. suggest to the college intern that the recently divorced CEO wants to have a romantic lunch together, suggest the same to him, send roses for them to each other; insist that the office’s openly gay guy date the cat lady spinster, ignore any negative comments.
• Try to laugh as little as possible in public. When people laugh at mean things I say (that are actually jokes in my head) insist that nothing is funny about what was just said.
• Get caught eating other’s lunches and when they claim it’s theirs, thank them for making it, but insult it somehow, like “it could have used more mayo.”

Back handed compliments I wish I had the nerve to say to people

I've never understood people who have this innate ability to deliver back handed compliments. Certain types of people possess this magical skill. Unfortunately, I am not one of those. They have this natural ability to say something to you in such a nice way that it sounds like a compliment to you and all witnesses. Then out of nowhere, weeks, days, minutes, hours or seconds - it hits you. It wasn't really a compliment. They insulted you in the process of the compliment. People that have this power fascinate me and irritate me all at the same time. I'm not sure if it's the delivery or the wording or the personality of the person, but clearly I don't have any of that. Mine just come out as insults. See my attempts below:

• "Your lack of social cues is a refreshing look into what it's like to be extraordinarily awkward!"
• "I think your complaints really take away from the office atmosphere. Congrats!"
• "I like how you take things out on other people when you’re stressed out."
• "You’re really good at thinking you’re smarter than everyone."
• "No offense, but your unibrow makes everything you say hysterical!!!"
• "I find it fascinating that you don’t really work at work, but rather, reassign things to other people. What I’m trying to say is… You’re really good at delegating."
• "I admire your ability to shamelessly kiss ass while simultaneously throwing others under the bus and appearing trustworthy."
• "Your laziness inspires me to work harder and makes me glad I’m not you."
• "I pretty much ignore you at all times. Everything that comes out of your mouth is redundant. But sure, let’s schedule a meeting because I know how much you like hearing the sound of your own voice repeating others' ideas that are beyond obvious to everyone in the room."

SAT Words in the Office - Used inappropriately

• impetuous
• discrepancy*
• verbose
• poignant
• flagrant
• novice
• abate
• perpetual
• diligent
• banal**
• propensity
• habitual
• vehement(ly)
• ephemeral
• nefarious
• behemoth
• aberration
• vacillating
• ostensibly
• circuitous
• legerdemain***
• nebulous
• illusive ellusive
• vapid
• delineate

*I’ll admit that I have probably used this word at work at least once because of what we deal with, but she uses it to talk about social networking sites and celebrity gossip too.
**probably my least favorite SAT word EVER.
***had to look that one up and still don't know what it means

Corporate America words/phrases Bryant University's Business Cirriculum did not teach me:

• ping
• high level
• back end
• FYI
• leverage
• pipeline
• action item
• hot item
• stream line
• moving forward
• from a business perspective
• off the clock
• internally
• hard stop
• spearhead
• EOD
• drill down/drilling down
• action plan
• best practices
• offline ("let's talk about this offline")
• "Hi, who joined?" (conf. call)
• skill set
• going forward
• high level
• touch base
• reach out to you
• Push-back
• net-net
• operationally
• piggy back (i thought we left that one in 3rd grade)
• time frame
• framework
• in the mean time
• re-evaluate
• finalize
• bear (as in "this one is a bear" bear bear bear not as in "bear market")
• "earmark" meaning to "hold off" (which is another good one) as in "lets earmark that one for tomorrow"
• run the gamut
• workaround
• deploy, deployment
• QC
• QA
• "run this by [Dorothy]"
• escalate
• okay, okay
• alright
• work-around
• disconnect
• deflated
• workflow
• validation
• process
• functionality
• dove tail
• ingestion
• heads up (as in "Just to give you a heads up...")
• circle back
• iron out
• dry run
• solidify
• bandwidth
• CYA (Cover Your A*)
  

Office Characters - description may or may not be needed

it all started with Negative Nancy...

• Smelly Supervisor Sandy
• Judgemental Judy
• High-horse Horatio
• Stressed Out Stephen/Anal Alan/OCD Oscar/Nervous Ned
• Positive Polly
• Masters Degree Molly
• Relatable Rita
• Gullable Genevieve
• Over-reacting Olive
• Condescending Condaleeza
• Swine Flu Phobe Stephanie / Anti-Bacterial Anna / Pandemic Pamela
• "Not in THIS economy" Nancy / Recession Remy /
• Lazy Luke
• Um... um... Uma / Um... um... Urkle
  
• Like Lucy
• Smiley Sarah
• Ugly Sweater Ursula
• Short Pants Sondra
• Weather Walter